I was at a teacher training with a very famous yoga teacher who addressed the subject of constipation. He discussed how he never gets constipated because he “moves the downward flowing energy” in meditation. Bless his heart.

Constipation is a very real subject for so many Americans. It is thought to affect a quarter of the population at any one time. Doctors will tell you various cures including prune juice, belly rubs, breathwork, suction funnels, and colonics.

I’d like to share with you a story regarding constipation. We all remember the famous scene in the movie “Something about Mary” where a young, nerdy Ben Stiller gets his balls stuck in his zipper. The paramedics come and rip open the zipper to set him free. Paramedics have dealt with stranger things. Let me explain.

I had a colleague, Ol Klugdup, who was a German immigrant with whom I took a teacher training once. He tried this weird fast which involved:

-a morning juice with maple syrup, cinammon, and lemon
-an afternoon organic, vegan cigarette
-an evening stimulant including various vegetables, antioxidants and ephenedrine

Ol (short for Oliver) became very constipated. At first, he kept it a secret. But 10 days into the teacher training, Ol became concerned and shared with me his  problem. Naturally, I pretended to ignore him. After all, who wants to deal with such a thing. But Ol barely spoke English and was dealing with considerable discomfort. I gave Ol the number of a doctor but he couldn’t afford it. I suggested he go to the pharmacy which he did. Nothing worked. He was jam-packed and each day his face seemed to change colors from red to purple to brown.

What to do? I wanted to be a good friend but also wanted to steer clear of Ol in much the same way you’d want to avoid someone who was clumsily opening a Capri Sun bagged juice. On day 15 of the teacher training, Ol left class early. On day 19, Ol failed to show up. I was concerned. So I did the unthinkable. I called 911. For constipation.

(To be continued) (maybe)