“Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.” -Jack Handy
Growing up in the creative madness that is Los Angeles, I always dreamed of taking my shots on goal as a novelist, screenwriter, actor, movie producer, etc. So over the course of the last 12 years, I’ve tried them all. One thing to note: all were fruitful failures. But just like another Italian who’s slightly more sculpted, less hairy, and goes by the name of Rocky Balboa, I have gone down and gone down hard; but I absolutely refused to go down for the count. What in the world does Rocky have in common with Papa Smurf? Read on as I’d love to share with you the story of my journey leading up to today, the greatest day of my life.
1. THE NOVEL
It began back in 1996 when I started a novel entitled The Second Coming about a “hip, non-religious perspective” on a modern day return of none other than Christ. Yes let’s just say I was swinging for the fences. The first part of this story was excellent (if I don’t say so myself) and well-liked by many. But somehow my main characters ended up on a deserted island which served as a hiding place for (the thought to be deceased but very much alive) Bob Marley, Marilyn Monroe, Jerry Garcia, and Richard Nixon. It must have taken 2 Ritalin (maybe 3) to get to the point where I wrote about Bob Marley singing Chanukah songs to my main characters dancing around a giant menorah. And you ask whatever came of this gem? One night I was rocketing so fast thru the upper atmosphere of my mind that some invisible, magic, imaginary friend whispered into my ear at the sad hour of 3:37am, “Why don’t you turn this into a screenplay; but first have some more cigarettes.”
SSSTTTTTTRRRRRRRIKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEE ONE!!!!!!
2. THE SCREENPLAY
So I wrote the 110 page screenplay version of The Second Coming. I had a relative who was well-connected and able to submit my screenplay for review by a producer/friend (which made it very hard for this producer to flat out reject me.) The response to my screenplay? “Cut 90 pages and let me take another look.”
STTTTTRRRRRRIIIIKKKKEEEEEEE TWO!!!
3. COMMERCIAL ACTOR
Then I decided to leverage my “young Ron Howard aka OPIE” look and try my hand at acting. I got myself a commercial agent thanks to a great interview where I imitated a casting agent holding auditions for a live action Smurfs movie. I tried out for some commercials and actually had a bit of luck. Then came the big break. I was cast to be in a Pepsi commercial with Cuba Gooding Jr. The commercial was filmed and set to air during the Super Bowl. I got a roomful of friends together to watch and toast my new career. We were huddled around the TV ready to see my mug and celebrate. The way the industry works is such that as long as your eyes are visible for just a second, you reap residual payments sometimes in the tens of thousands of dollars. The commercial began and the commercial ended. I’d been cut from the final edit. It took no less than 30 seconds for my friends to file out of the room and leave me to sulk.
STTTTTTRRRRRRIIIIIIKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE THREE!!!!
4. MOVIE PRODUCER
I wanted to get the acting bug out of my system. If all of these “Opie” calls had any validity, maybe I had it in me. But I needed a reel of acting footage to show casting agents, and my 2 second turn on a Mountain Dew commercial wasn’t gonna do the trick. So a buddy and I pooled together some money, found a director from USC Film School, hired a crew, and began casting. I had a very beautiful lady friend who was an aspiring actress. So we invited her in for a casting call. She was quite impressed that we’d bootstrapped this whole thing together. So as the “producer and writer,” I sat down to explain the roll to this fine young lady.
Here’s what I thought I was saying to the actress: “This movie is a loving story of an unhappily married man who, in his daily routine, stumbles across the girl of his dreams. Little does he know that his frustrated wife, in her daily routine, stumbles across the man of her dreams. That night the married couple is going thru the routine of making love while indulging in erotic fantasies about their dream partners.”
In retrospect, here’s what the actress heard me say: “Basically in this role, you’ll be making out with me, and then making out with my friend, and then making out with me, and then making out with me.”
There was a pause after I finished describing the role. I was sure she would shout for joy and eagerly embrace this opportunity. If nothing more, she could use it as footage on her promo reel. Her response: “Oh my God no way!” and she scampered out of the room probably thinking this was just what her mother warned her about. Well we made the movie and while we intended to appeal to casting agents and directors, the movie instead appealed to more of, shall we say, a crowd with a Hooters sensibility. We even got into the Nashville Film Festival (our Art Director Merrit Davies used to work there) but when our 5 minute short ended, there was an awkward silence and a haphazard, one-hand-to-the-wrist type of applause.
STRIKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEE 4!!!!!
5. THE BOOK
You’re supposed to be out after 3 strikes let alone 4. Well I thought I was out. So I bailed from LA and switched careers to immerse in a more nurturing world of yoga and spirituality. A decade later and a little bit wiser, I decided to play my creative hand once again. This past October I began assembling various “deep thoughts,” jokes, and far flung ideas into a book proposal. The book was submitted to publishers and I must admit I felt like the nervous batter staring down the barrel at a pitcher gunning 100 mph fastballs. Would I swing at air yet again?
I may have swung with my eyes closed but there has finally been a loud CRACK OF THE BAT! I’m excited to announce that the dream is alive and well! Not long from now, Broadway Books will publish my first book, LIVIN THE MOMENT! Think Deepak Chopra meets Jack Handy. Think Carolyn Myss meets Matisyahu. Think National Lampoons Vacation meets Ishtar.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this journey, never give up. It might take a while to figure out how best to plug your heart into your life. You might fail and you might fall and you might fail and you might fall again; but if you have passion, at the end you will ALWAYS prevail! As Papa Smurf said, “La,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la!”
