Archive for October, 2007

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD JOIN ME FOR A THREESOME:

10. You like the idea of white powder to  LIFT your spirits before some very physical activity.

9. You’re willing to pay for 4 days of Three Way action.

8. You want to “heat” things up a bit and learn a few new tricks in the kitchen; if you know what I mean.

7. Dr. Miso Hornay from DUME (Dakota University of Maine) says, “You significantly improve your odds for a threesome while on vacation.”

6. Learning new ways to stretch your limbs while being yanked and pulled by a new pair of hands sounds very stimulating.

5. Dr. Miso Hornay says, “Cooking is very sensual and a great activity to try during a threesome. Especially using spicy sauces together with various people can be quite arousing.”

4. Starting the day by putting on clothes and reconvening as a group with very little clothes in the afternoon sounds quite novel and exciting.

3. Sweating like crazy and finishing with chocolate all the while surrounded by other sweaty, beautiful people you’ve just met. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout!

2. You can HANDLE THE SCANDAL such a weekend would entail!

1. You’re a big believer in the expression: Use it or lose it!

When I say use “it,” I mean your snowboard. Silly. Join me and Eat, Drink, Dish’s Pollyanna Forster for the ultimate threesome:  Cooking with Yoga + Snow in Vail, Colorado. Taking place January 10-13, your days will be full of flowing yoga, powdery snow skiing and snowboarding, cooking classes, beer-tasting, and cozy fireside activities. The theme will focus on “the peak experience” and how in such ecstatic moments, the mind melts, the body relaxes, and the soul emerges. Imagine 4 days full of constant peak experience from the perfect ski run to a delicious gourmet meal ON THE SLOPES, to a cleansing yoga flow, to a cooking class with awardwinning chefs Pollyanna and Jenna Johansen. You will reach a critical mass of peak experience that will rip thru the fabric of your mind and deliver you to the blissful land of perfect peace.

More information will be available in the coming days.

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“Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?” -Bill Maher

Nearly 2 out of 3 Americans are overweight or obese. The pot bellies are growing, the manboobs are sagging, the tushies are inflating. The yogis would tell you there’s another place we carry weight in addition to the boobs, tush, and gut. A big ego is to the soul what excess body weight is to the human heart: very restricting. I’m proud to say I don’t have much of an ego not because I’m not open to the idea but rather because as soon as an ego attempts to rear its head, I will be confused as a woman, an old guy or a scrounging loiterer. And the universe will tuck me neatly back into my little corner.

Recently I was lucky enough to be staying at a beautiful hotel in Hawaii. Yes I was  feeling good about myself and my surroundings. Perusing the lobby for coffee as do aspiring businesspeople at nice hotels, I saw a man with a security-style ear piece coming toward me. I figured he’d seen the article in the newspaper about my upcoming Yoga + Chocolate workshop. Or maybe he’d even read my column on Yahoo.

“This is a secured property,” he told me.

“Yeah I know it’s really nice,” I replied thinking he was coming over to shoot the breeze. After all, isn’t that what people do in fancy hotel lobbies?

“Can I see your room key?” he stated firmly.

I was confused.

“I need to see your room key or I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

I still had it. “It” being the “scrounger” look that would cause a hotel security guard to pick me out of a crowd as a potential loiterer even though I was a hotel guest.

Mistaken identity seems to be the name of my game. Here are some other examples:

1. Woman

“Ma’m,” I heard as I felt a pat on my shoulder. I turned around to see the waitress with the Spinach Dip looking right at me. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, ah, sir,” she quickly corrected herself. The waitress soon realized, thanks to my bearded face, that I was not a woman but rather a man. This was the 3rd time that summer I’d been mistaken as a woman. I’d been going to this fancy hair salon at the Lenox Mall in Atlanta and the hairdresser went to town creating some sort of slanted bucket-bowl of hair on top of my noggin. Girls would approach me at bars not to flirt so much as to compliment my hair. It was very awkward and the hair cut was so feminine that if not for my beard, I might have been mistaken for a woman form the front side as well.

2. Old guy

Several years ago I was dating a woman in college. I was “more than a few” years out of college. I pulled up to the security gate at her heavily guarded Jesuit University to pick her up at the dorms. Figuring the security guard would open the gate and let me right in, I waved. But no. The guard got up off his lazy ass and walked out of his booth with a hearty chuckle.

“Where do you think you’re goin?”

“I’m picking up my girlfriend at the dorms.”

“Let’s see your I.D,” he said with a look on his face as if to say “you’re not goin’ anywhere bucko.”

After recording my driver’s license, registration, cell phone and address, he reluctantly let me in. Thinking back to when I was in college, I wondered what I would have thought about a guy in his thirties pulling up to the dorms to pick up one of my friends. One of two things:

a) Maybe I’d have thought: I hope I can pull that off when I’m his age
b) Maybe I’d have thought: What’s wrong with this guy and why can’t he score a girl within 10 years of his age range

3. Non-Yoga Teacher

I was in NYC taking a yoga class. We were in standing splits, a particularly challenging pose for me. But I figured my calm demeanor and stellar breathing would hint to the teacher of my 12 years of yoga experience. I heard her quickly moving my way and expected something along the lines, “Oh where do you teach?” But what she really said was, “Oh is this your first time?” It was embarrassing considering that I was on a yoga date. As you can imagine, my date looked at me as if to suggest Eddie Murphy’s famous line in his hit comedy video Delirious; “You sure you got a —-?”

“Lust, anger, and greed. These three are the soul-destroying gates of hell.” -Bhagavad Gita

Often described as kryptonite to the soul, lust manifests itself in many forms from nudie magazines to extramarital affairs to exotic toys. Represented in Greek mythology by the god EROS and in Celtic mythology by the god AONGHUS, lust has consumed humans in its raging inferno since the dawn of time. Over the past weeks, the world has witnessed the dangerous embers of lust sparking the oddest of desires in the far-reaching nooks and crannies of society.

It all began with The Mr. Wonderful doll. This novelty item is a handsome talking doll designed for the woman who’s frustrated with her man. Pull a string attached to his back and listen to Mr. Wonderful say in a soothing masculine voice all the things that women supposedly want to hear. Examples include:

–”The ball game isn’t really that important. I’d rather spend time with you.”

–”I seem to be lost. I think I’ll pull over and ask directions.”

–”Let’s talk about our relationship.”

The toy manufacturer has had such success with Mr. Wonderful that they’ve decided to expand the brand. After a lengthy period of massive product research, MRS. MILF is ready to hit the shelves. Known for years around high schools and college frat houses, the term MILF (which stands for Mother I’d Like to F-ck) has reached “a tipping point,” said Lewis Dooyomama who’s spearheading the product launch.

MRS. MILF is a pretty, middle-aged doll who utters phrases such as:

“Hurry! My husband gets home in 12 minutes.”

“Just keep it off the sheets.”

“Do you really think I wanna hear you talk?”

The toy doll has incited anger in the ranks. The MILF organizing union known U-MILF has sent its members picketing outside of the toy manufacturer headquarters as well as frat houses and high schools around the nation.  Screamed U-MILF leader Arancha (who long ago dropped her last name) thru a bullhorn aimed at the Sigma Chi frat house at the Northern Arizona University,  “You don’t gotta pull no string to hear me talk dirty!”

Outside of Westburn High School on the outskirts of Minneapolis, Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes conducted an emotional interview with an anonymous MILF. As usual, Wallace asked the difficult questions:

Wallace: “Isn’t 16 too young?”

Anonymous MILF:  “I got 5 letters for you. S-T-A-M-I-N-A.”

Wallace:  “That’s actually 7 letters.”

Anonymous MILF:  “Who’s counting mister?! They’re just numbers anyway; just numbers. 16, 21, 18. As they say, ‘Get to pickin while the pickin’s good.’ ”

Wallace: “Who said that?”

The MILF teared up, “Listen I know this is wrong. But I can’t help myself. The lust is too much. Get me around these schools and I go weak at the knees.”

The 60 Minutes interview provoked a federal restraining order to keep MILFS at least 3 miles from school and college perimeters; unless they are picking up their children for carpool.

Barring a requested court order by U-MILF to stop production, MRS. MILF will be available at major retailers on December 1.

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The upcoming adventure yoga retreat is almost full. We have 22 people signed up with only 2 spots remaining for The Ultimate Threesome: Cooking with Yoga + Snow in Vail. If you are considering starting off 2008 with a weekend of skiing, yoga, cooking classes, and gourmet meals both on and off the slopes, join me and co-host Pollyanna Forster of Vail’s acclaimed Eat, Drink, Dish.  I expect this trip to be full by next week so take the leap and join us this January 10-13. For more info, click here.