Archive for November, 2007

CHAKRA–A sanskrit word meaning “wheel” or “circle”; usually refers to the centers or points of spiritual power that resides in or compose the human astral body.

On yesterday’s local news, Johnny Chakra was arrested on charges of possession of crack cocaine and 175 lbs of low grade marijuana known as “dirt” (street value $15). Often called “Chalk-ra,” he had fought lawsuits for years after declaring that he “invented the chakras” in 1983 while staring thru a kaleidoscope on a hot July day in the Sonoran desert. The International Yoga Union has been fighting Chakra saying his claim is ludicrous and, and he is blantantly claiming what the yogis have known for thousands of years. Bankrupted by lawyers and disheartened by constant accusation, Chakra has been struggling to continue offering his vigorous Chakra Shaker massage made infamous in his infomercial. Embraced by celebrities including David Hasselfhoff, Chakra has earned millions by selling his Chakra Shaker oils he calls “lube” primarily to countries in the former Eastern bloc including Albania, Romania, Hungary, Arkansas, and Kentucky.

From the American border town of Doyouwannatouchit, Arizona, Chakra is supported by wife-cousin Jane who Chakra refers to as his “wifecuz.” Jane argues that Chakra is actually her husband and brother but not a cousin and calls him her “manbro.” Said Jane, “These dumb yoger persons are sayin’ all this bullcrap and I’m tellin’ you they don’t know jack. They ain’t never paid us no attention with that Yoger Jirnal so why should they care now?”

Chakra is represented by heavy hitting lawyer Evan Abramowitz who said, “if anything, this will make the yoga influencers and yoga publications recognize that if they don’t embrace the Eastern bloc, the Eastern bloc will take yoga and do what it wants.” Similar lawsuits have been filed against a Sally Sutra of Lickit, Albania; a Moe La’Bunda of Horni’and, Hungary; and a Harry Assana of Smele-Rmpit, Arkansas. All have followed in Johnny Chakras footsteps with wildly successful informercial-generating hoopla for their products such as the “Moo La’Bunda gerbil stick,” the “Sutra Syrup,” and the “Harry Assana Razor.”

Chakra will be arraigned next Thursday. (See above portrait of Johnny and Jane Chakra)

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If the villain that is Johnny Chakra strikes fear in your heart, breathe easy.  I am excited to announce that Yoga + Country Music will be going big time on a 2008 Fall Tour thru country music capitols and beyond. Country performer Cynthia Ford will be joining me for the live music and flowing yoga combination that seeks to peacefully marry cold beer, sweaty yoga, and ancient philosophy into 2 hours of good times and great tunes. Look for tour dates later this year and consider becoming an official sponsor with a passion to further yogic wisdom to the untapped corners of the US of A.

Click here to read more on Yoga + Country Music.

Last weekend’s retreat to Sedona, Arizona was fantastic. Taking place at Mii Amo which was rated by Travel and Leisure Magazine as the world’s #1 Destination Spa, the setting was surreal, the food and wine was sensational, and the yoga teacher was decent. If you are looking to spend an inspiring weekend in an idyllic setting, the next retreat is set for Vail in January. Read on:

Several years ago I endured an ulcerative condition. The doctor loaded me up on 6, 8, 10, and ultimately 12 pills a day. I’d had enough. So I went to a medical doctor with a holistic approach. We took a step back and looked at the events and patterns in my life that might be causing the ulcerative condition to flare up. Sure enough, the condition subsided. I was sold once-and-for-all on balancing my health with both a holistic and modern medical approach.

But I should note that something very strange and embarrassing happened. During the worst of my struggles, the doctor suggested a colonoscopy.

“Oh what’s that?” I asked.

“It’s just a common procedure to help us plot a course to improvement,” he replied.

“But what is it?” I continued.

“You won’t feel a thing as you’ll be sedated.”

“But what is it?”

“It’s an endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus.”

I was not hoping to hear the word “anus” from this man’s mouth. And that is the problem for so many people. Squeamishness about having a long tube coiled up the rear often prevents people from undergoing this very important procedure. 130,000 people are diagnosed with colon cancer every year and 56,000 of them die. If caught early enough thru periodic check-ups and colonoscopies, the disease can be prevented.

I showed up several days later at the lab only to be met by a gorgeous nurse. I don’t know about you but this was the first time I’d been greeted by a beautiful woman who asked me if I cleansed my colon before telling me to take off my clothes and prepare for her to shove a tube up my _ss. I felt a kind of strangely erotic fear. They put me on an IV with Demerol and the next thing I knew, I awoke barely robed on the table asking the nurse if she’d like to join me for a date.

For the entirety of the 30 minute procedure. I discovered that I’d been hitting on the nurse as I lay naked on the table while she coiled and uncoiled a tube thru my rectum. It was worse than a teacher adjusting someone while they are in the “sitting frog” yoga pose. It was worse than eating a hard boiled egg while trying to make the moves at a swanky bar. It was worse than; it was THE WORST MOVE OF ALL TIME. I just should not have been flirting with a woman while she was performing a colonoscopy.

The nurse was plenty nice but my embarrassment was off the charts. I skidaddled out of the lab quicker than you can say to your favorite male yoga teacher, “I hope that’s your finger I feel poking my back.”

There are three important lessons here.  One, learn more about the chakras so you can nourish your soul and bolster your health. Two, heed the advice of your doctor and get your colon checked. And three, avoid socializing with your pants down on the Demerol drip.

“The loneliness you get by the sea is personal and alive. It doesn’t subdue you and make you feel abject. It’s stimulating loneliness.” -Anne Lindbergh

We are bombarded by so many advertisements, phone calls and emails every day. In the maelstrom of stimulation, we are often left confused about what’s up or down, true or false, funny or serious, inspiring or depressing. The NY Times has been running an advertisement that promotes Israel and features a cowboy named Ferstman Avshalon.  I’d think Israel would promote itself thru its rich history, sacred tradition, or warm Mediterranean beaches. But cowboys?  I guess they are saying that Israel can provoke what Anne Lindbergh called an “alive loneliness?”  I’m confused. Maybe there are cowboys in Israel but given that I am Jewish, I can tell you that I ain’t never known no Jewish cowboy. I can only imagine such a cowboy would tend to kvetch and complain a bit more than a John Wayne-type out on the range. I envision a Jewish cowboy to have a horse named Bucky and these are the things you’d most likely hear as he galloped and kibbutzed across the plains:

Number 7:  “Oy! More hills?”

Number 6:  “This sun is making me splotchy.”

Number 5:  “Ay yai yai these chaps are itchy.”

Number 4:   “Bucky slow down my hips are achy!”

Number 3:    “Giddy-yuck! Bucky you smell hah-rrible.”

Number 2:     “This beef jerky is making me gasey.”

And the Number 1 thing you’d most likely hear from a Jewish cowboy:

“Bucky can’t you say something? I’ve got schpilcus.”
(translation: “Cowboying is boring.”)

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