Several years ago I endured an ulcerative condition. The doctor loaded me up on 6, 8, 10, and ultimately 12 pills a day. I’d had enough. So I went to a medical doctor with a holistic approach. We took a step back and looked at the events and patterns in my life that might be causing the ulcerative condition to flare up. Sure enough, the condition subsided. I was sold once-and-for-all on balancing my health with both a holistic and modern medical approach.

But I should note that something very strange and embarrassing happened. During the worst of my struggles, the doctor suggested a colonoscopy.

“Oh what’s that?” I asked.

“It’s just a common procedure to help us plot a course to improvement,” he replied.

“But what is it?” I continued.

“You won’t feel a thing as you’ll be sedated.”

“But what is it?”

“It’s an endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus.”

I was not hoping to hear the word “anus” from this man’s mouth. And that is the problem for so many people. Squeamishness about having a long tube coiled up the rear often prevents people from undergoing this very important procedure. 130,000 people are diagnosed with colon cancer every year and 56,000 of them die. If caught early enough thru periodic check-ups and colonoscopies, the disease can be prevented.

I showed up several days later at the lab only to be met by a gorgeous nurse. I don’t know about you but this was the first time I’d been greeted by a beautiful woman who asked me if I cleansed my colon before telling me to take off my clothes and prepare for her to shove a tube up my _ss. I felt a kind of strangely erotic fear. They put me on an IV with Demerol and the next thing I knew, I awoke barely robed on the table asking the nurse if she’d like to join me for a date.

For the entirety of the 30 minute procedure. I discovered that I’d been hitting on the nurse as I lay naked on the table while she coiled and uncoiled a tube thru my rectum. It was worse than a teacher adjusting someone while they are in the “sitting frog” yoga pose. It was worse than eating a hard boiled egg while trying to make the moves at a swanky bar. It was worse than; it was THE WORST MOVE OF ALL TIME. I just should not have been flirting with a woman while she was performing a colonoscopy.

The nurse was plenty nice but my embarrassment was off the charts. I skidaddled out of the lab quicker than you can say to your favorite male yoga teacher, “I hope that’s your finger I feel poking my back.”

There are three important lessons here.  One, learn more about the chakras so you can nourish your soul and bolster your health. Two, heed the advice of your doctor and get your colon checked. And three, avoid socializing with your pants down on the Demerol drip.