That she spelled her name with a “K” hinted of the krazy roller coaster that was a hair kut with Kathy. She’d always offer me a Red Bull or Coke before clipping my hair. We’d chat about jovial topics ranging from who she knows that loves yoga to visions of opening her own hair salon to (cue sound of screeching brakes). Suddenly, I would feel Kathy forcefully jerk my head into place while saying in a stern voice, “Don’t friggen move your head unless you want me to cut off your ear!” That would happen several times over the course of every haircut. I guess I was a bit jerky during a haircut and that can be dangerous. There’d be an awkward moment of silence before she’d return to cutting my hair and chatting away as if nothing happened.  I loved Kathy and she gave a great haircut even though I’d leave feeling somewhat manic depressive.

One time I arrived early and waited for my appointment. The man whose hair Kathy was cutting had a major unibrow. A unibrow is where both eyebrows are connected by hair atop the bridge of the nose. Kathy quickly and aggressively took a wax sheet and forcefully waxed the man’s unibrow. He sat stunned and in terrible pain. It was an awful thing to see. The man was teary eyed and visibly disgusted. He did not come for a unibrow wax; just a haircut. Clearly, Kathy was having a bad day.

As I sat down for my session, Kathy muttered, “I hate unibrows.” This is not what I wanted to hear considering I have a blond, bushy unibrow. I whimpered thru my haircut carefully watching Kathy should she also attempt to attack me. I’ve had waxings before (of the back) and I don’t like the feeling one bit. The session neared an end and it seemed I’d leave with my unibrow in tact. But then it happened. The next 10 seconds seemed like 10 minutes.

Kathy quickly grabbed a wax sheet from the counter, lunged her arm toward my forehead in a “surprise” sweep at my unibrow while screaming “fucking unibrows!” Thanks to my being a green belt (with a stripe) in karate, I blocked her arm, arose from the chair, and still wearing the protective cape that keeps hair off the clothes, I stormed out of the salon.

I thought this to be the end of unibrow thieving. What a horrible and strange thing! Right? Think again. If you haven’t heard the news, a strange man has been terrorizing shopping malls around the country. I’ve excerpted text from a news conference by senior FBI Agent Rip Ithoff updating the national media on the situation. Ithoff read from a prepared statement:

“As of 5pm Eastern Standard Time today, the “Unabrower,” as he’s come to be known, is still at large. There are reports of 16 victims mostly men and some women who have been attacked in broad daylight . As many of you know, the Unabrower has a very clear method of attack. Preferring the food court in crowded public malls, the Unabrower is usually spotted running full sprint in a black cape without a shirt, glossy knee high red boots, a Louis Vuitton man purse, and 1992 orange Oakley blades sunglasses. He is not afraid to run over the elderly and small children on his beeline approach. He stops inches in front of the victim. With a wax sheet 1 inch in length, the Unabrower viciously plucks the unibrow off the unsuspecting victim. The Unabrower then turns to the crowd, holds high in the air the wax paper with newly plucked hairs, and screams triumphantly a strange word whose meaning we know not:  “Takarate!” The Unabrower proceeds to run full sprint out of the mall and has been seen driving off in a white Volkswagon jetta “lowered” with white rims.

Agent Itoff continued, “We sense that the Unabrower scans a crowd for some length of time seeking his victim. If you or someone you know has a unibrow, we strongly urge you to remain out of the public eye until the Unabrower has been apprehended. That is all I have to report at this time. ”

Let one thing be known to those of you cowering in fear and shaving off your unibrows in a preemptive move. Everything in life has a purpose. Like the appendix, the unibrow is there for a reason; albeit a reason for which we don’t yet understand. Honor oddity as you honor quality. Be proud of your unibrow. I certainly am. If you don’t have one, be a trendsetter and get one so that every time you look in the mirror, you can say to yourself, “Character is born of conflict, molded by challenge, and polished with struggle. So bring it on! I’m proud of my unibrow and giant nosehairs.”

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