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Archive for May, 2008

15
May

The Schtick (Tragedy)

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The Schtick


These emails are usually an attempt at being funny. But out of respect for the sadness in China and Myanmar:


“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.”   Anne Lindbergh

Waking up this morning, I saw the most heartwrenching image on the cover of the newspaper (see above photo). It’s a photo of a couple carrying away their deceased child from the earthquake wreckage in China. You might agree that it’s such an awful feeling, to view the couples’ distraught facial expressions. In addition to the suspected loss of over 120,000 people in Myanmar, this tragedy puts everything into perspective.

Lately I’ve been worrying about solidifying my workshop schedule, refinancing my astronomical mortgage, bootstrapping the resources and energy to redo my website, cleaning out my office closet. But all those problems; they are nothing compared to the torturous emotions that must be ripping thru the hearts of the parents in the photo.

I don’t share this photo to make you feel guilty but rather to encourage a reordering of priorities. If right this second you can embrace those you love, knowing they are alive and well; be grateful. If right this second you can move your arms in front of you because they are not buried under the concrete of collapsed buildings; be grateful. If right this second you can open your eyes and see your computer screen rather than floodravaged destruction; be grateful.

This is not to say, “Thank God I’m not living in China.” Rather, it’s my thinking out loud how to cope with the helplessness I feel watching the awful stories on the news and the sad reports in the morning paper. There’s no doubt that making donations and trekking to China and Myanmar are heroic actions. But sometimes the greatest help you can provide in times of tragedy is improving your own attitude and perspective.

Be nicer, more generous. Love fully, without hesitation.  Breathe deeply, slow down.

Human beings are like fragile little ants beneath the furious Footsteps we call Cyclones and Earthquakes. But don’t be scared to die. “Everyone dies. Not everyone really lives.”
Category : The Schtick Newsletter | Blog
15
May

The Schtick (People with Terrible Manners)

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The Schtick (People With Terrible Manners)

“Many who would not take the last cookie would take the last lifeboat.”  Mignon McLaughlin

Last week I went to Katsuya which is an amazing sushi spot in Encino, California. My girlfriend and I arrived and were meeting her friends Scott and Maggie. We exchanged pleasantries before sitting down for a hot sake and my absolute favorite, the fresh albacore sashimi with crispy onions.

I didn’t care for this Scott but it was the boyfriend of my girlfriend’s best friend so once a month, I grit my teeth and bear it out.  Scott is one of those guys who dares to talk about other women in front of his girlfriend in turn endangering not only his relationship, but also mine. Whispering but barely, he was talking about some girl he’d just seen, “Dude you should have seen the size of her chachkis!”

I just wanted the Albacore sashimi covered in crispy onions to arrive already and get this bozo to pipe down.

“Ah huh, ah huh,” I said continually, nodding my head and sucking down the Edamame.

I glanced over at my girlfriend and Maggie gabbing away, and I could start to sense that my girlfriend was watching Scott out of the corner of her eye, trying to key in on his philandering ways.

I looked back at Scott who saw me getting understandably uncomfortable, “Dude, I don’t think she has any clue, don’t worry about it. Plus, she’s gotta know every guy likes to talk about tig bits.”

It’s guys like this Scott that give us all a bad name.

Finally, the 5 pieces of Albacore sashimi with crispy onions arrived. Words don’t do justice to the uniquely crunchy onions preceding fresh tuna that melts in your mouth. I finished my piece oh so fast and closed my eyes to savor every second of deliciousness. But when I opened my eyes, bozo Scott was cupping his chest to suggest the size of the breasts on the lady at the table to our right. What a jerk this guy was.

I didn’t pay attention to him for long. Because there was an extra piece of sushi sitting on the table and calling my name. I didn’t want to be rude and grab that last piece of sushi. I saw Maggie also eyeing it.  “She better not touch it,” I thought to myself.

And I saw my girlfriend also eyeing that last piece of sushi. I pinched her under the table suggesting she save it for me. I don’t think she took the hint as she kicked me hard in the shin.

I tried to look away but given that it was my turn to pay the bill, I figured it was fair for me to grab that last piece of sushi. So I took it and as I was about to put it in my mouth, Maggie said under her breath, “Pig.”

My girlfriend was also nodding in disbelief playfully touching my right manboob with her index finger as if to insinuate “someone needs to lose a few.”

I hated that last piece of sushi.

Even Scott said, “No wonder you’re so uncomfortable talking about boobs.”

*****

What really constitutes bad manners? I think there’s way too much fuss made about leaving the last piece of sushi for another, or eating with your mouth closed, or dabbing the soy sauce from your arm with a napkin when you could just lick it off with your tongue. I remember my brother telling a hilarious story about his dining at an elegant restaurant in Switzerland with all these fancy pants fashionistas. They daintily cut their steaks and potatoes which he struggled to emulate. Starving and frustrated, he gave up, dug in, and devoured his food like a bag of Doritos after a night of beers and reefer. He amusingly recalls the horror on the faces of those forced to watch his bad manners surface like a monster from the depths. But really, so much attention is paid to proper etiquette. Is that what’s gonna make a difference in this world?

If we redirected the resources that go into how we look, eat, and banter and instead put those resources toward how we conserve, protect, and treat others, wouldn’t the world be a better place?  Confucius said, “When music and courtesy are better understood, there will be no war.”  This doesn’t  mean good table manners are a bad thing. But the truly defining characteristic of a good person is not chewing with a closed mouth, but living with an open heart.

Post Schtick (More Bad Manners)

Besides taking the last piece of sushi, here are some other examples of bad manners often seen amongst two couples out to dinner.

1. Pump Fake

One couple offers to the pay bill knowing  the other couple will fend off the attempt at least offering to split it.  It’s kind of like a pump fake in basketball.

Me:  “I’ll get this one, don’t worry about it Scott.”

Scott: “Are you sure, why don’t you let me get it?”

Me: “Ok, fine. You can pay.”

2. The Dirty Split

One person splits the bill and takes the time to figure out who got appetizers and who didn’t get appetizers.

Scott:  “Ok, you owe 47.19 and I owe 21.17.”

Me:  “How do you figure? We all got drinks and we everyone got an entrée.”

Scott: “Yeah but I didn’t eat any of the Rock Shrimp.”

Me: “Yeah but your drink was $12 and each of ours was $5.”

My girlfriend (under her breath): “Just forget it!”

3. The Awkward Connection

This is where I get along swimmingly with the other woman, and my girlfriend has nothing to say to the other guy.

Me (to Maggie):  “No that’s not true, your yoga practice is amazing. I’ve seen some of your poses and let me tell you, you can really move.”

Maggie:  “You think so? Wow thanks. It’s just that sitting frog pose that I have a hard time with.”

Me:  “I’d be happy to help you with that pose. No problem.”

Maggie:  “Really? You’d do that for me?”

Meanwhile, Scott and my girlfriend have nothing to say to each other.

Scott (to my girlfriend): “Soooooo, whose boobs are bigger, his or yours?”

4. Politics

One person stupidly brings up politics.

Scott:  “If McCain doesn’t win, we’re all screwed.”

Girlfriend:  “McCain is an idiot.”

Maggie:  “Let’s change the subject.”

Scott (to my girlfriend): “An idiot? So you’re for Obama?”

Girlfriend: “Heck yeah.  You’re for McCain?”

Scott: “No offense or anything but you’re stupid.”

Girlfriend: “F-ck you!”

5. The Rude Jerk Redneck

When one person who’s a bit of a redneck addresses the seemingly foreign waitress.

Scott (to the waitress):  “Excuse me m’am? Food coming soon? You know, food, like eat, soon, like hurry?”

The pleasant waitress nods as if she’s hustling to get the food.

Maggie (apologetically to the waitress): “Ok thanks so much we know you’re busy.”

Scott (to Maggie): “Honey, let me take care of this.”

Scott (to waitress): “English you? You speaka the English?”

Waitress: “Yes I speak English. Your food is on its way. Would you like your spit a la carte or should I mix it in for you?”

Here We Go: The Fourth and Final Quarter


For the last 2 years, I’ve been working on my lifelong dream, a book. And I’ve finally finished it. It’s called Yeah Dave’s Guide to Living the Moment and it will be released from Broadway Books on 3-10-09. In my perfect world, it’s David Sedaris meets Eckhart Tolle, if that makes any sense. It’s The Schtick woven into a heartfelt attempt at touching your soul, shifting your perspective, and lightening your load.  It’s the culmination of 2 years of thinking, pacing, wondering, annoying, hoping, and writing;  10 years of teaching yoga; and 35 years of asking what some say are “deep” and others say are “stupid” questions. And it’s all coming together in one neat little book that you can take with you to sleep, or to the beach, or the bathroom. But I’d rather you not take it to the bathroom because the books’ subtitle is Getting to Ecstasy through Wine, Chocolate, and Your Ipod Playlist. It’s a book about the delightful and the delicous mixed with the ridiculous, silly, Spiccoli type moments we all have after a long day if not a long life.

I’d like to invite those of you who are supporters of my heartfelt if not adolescent perspective of spirituality, wellness and self-help to join my official BOOK CLUB. All you must do is write an email to YEAHDAVE@YEAHDAVEYOGA.COM and in the subject write, “I’m in!” Then you will receive exclusive invitations to view video webisodes based on chapters in the book, special parties, and sneak previews of excerpts from the book.  And for those of you who are really ambitious, you can even pre-order the book on Amazon. And if you do that, please email me and let me know so I can personally extend my gratitude.

In the meantime, I’d love for you to join me at upcoming weekend workshops I’ll be teaching in:

August 1-3 at Breathe Yoga in Memphis, TN

August 16-17 at Snowmass Wellness Festival in Aspen, CO

August 29-31 at Healing Power Yoga in Highland Park, IL

December 4-7 at Mii Amo in Sedona, AZ
Category : The Schtick Newsletter | Blog
12
May

The Schtick (White Snake and Facebook Stalkers)

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The Schtick (Facebook Stalkers)

THIS IS A DOUBLE FEATURE SCHTICK SO IF YOU WANT MORE, READ ON.

“The only reason for time is so everything doesn’t happen at once.” Albert Einstein

I joined Facebook about 4 months ago and since then, I’ve been reacquainted with friends I’d given up for remnants of youth. A girl named Karen now living in Israel got in touch with me after not having seen her since 5th grade. A friend in Barcelona who I last spoke to in 1993 reached out. And many others who I’d not spoken to in years are now email pals. Until recently, I’ve been an advocate of Facebook. But about 13 days ago, I was contacted by a person who I actually hoped never to see again.

He was an acquaintance from my youth who was, let’s just say, annoying. Not so much a nerd as a pest, here’s how I’d best describe him:

He was the guy who would show up at parties and if he didn’t feel wanted, he’d call the cops saying the party was too loud.

He was the guy who would come over to watch the big game and root for the other team.

He was the guy who would tell your girlfriend that you were flirting with another girl.

He was the guy who would smoke cigarettes at your high school house party in your living room with all the nice furniture that your parents warned you about.

He was the guy who would unknowingly cheat off your test in school and when he got caught, said to the teacher that you told him it was OK to look at your test.

He was the guy who you would run into at the supermarket thus causing you to hide by the ice cream for 15 minutes until you could be sure he left.

He was the guy who, when you ate dinner with him and tried to split the bill, he’d tell you “I didn’t have any appetizers and I’m not paying for your spinach dip.”

He was THAT GUY.

When I got a Facebook message the other day saying THAT GUY requested to be my friend, I just about burned my computer to the ground. I ignored his message. So he started sending me message after message after message after message. Then he got in touch with some of my other Facebook friends who told him where I teach yoga in LA. And THAT GUY showed up at my yoga class.

I’m a pretty nice guy and I hate to sound negative but I think it’s OK to find someone annoying and it’s OK to never want to see a certain someone ever again.

So I’m on the Facebook fence. I’m not sure it’s good if everyone who’s anyone knows where to find you. There are friends and annoyances from your past. And friends and annoyances from your present. And friends and annoyances from your future. But it seems the premise of Facebook is to get in touch with everyone always and forever and do it now! In a world where we are already struggling not to drown in a tempest of emails and information, does “keeping it simple” mean I’m falling behind the times or rising above the madness?

The Schtick (White Snake)

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” Thomas Jefferson

We all lovingly remember when Janet Jackson was performing at the Super Bowl halftime show and her boobie popped out of her shirt. Let us not shy away from the reality that sometimes privates scream for attention. In some countries like Europe and the southern part of California known as Tijuana, nudity is not so taboo. But in more conservative places like Arizona, one best not wear their privates in public. Let me tell you a very true story.

Ten or so years ago, I was teaching yoga at a ritzy health club called the Gainey Village. I was not yet aware that certain yoga poses, when demonstrated by a man in loose fitting shorts, expose certain parts of the body. I happened to be wearing running shorts which leave room to breathe, if you know what I mean. To demonstrate a pose, I picked my leg by hooking by two big fingers around my big toe. And then I revolved my leg to the right. Watching the students suddenly amplified reactions, you’d have thought I did the most amazing pose ever.

One lady’s eyes just about popped out of the sockets. A man just rolled up his mat and left. Another lady looked at her friend and whispered something naughty. A different man in the back of the room also rolled up his mat and left. Yet another lady covered her eyes in disgust. A third man rolled up his mat and left.

I thought to myself, “Wow David, you are really busting out some sweet yoga moves. Or else these people are really new to the ancient practice and just can’t believe your amazing flexibility which must be over the top for these conservative male students.”

Little did I know.

A week later I was called into the office at the Gainey Village. The manager sat me down and hesitantly explained, “Ah, David. I, ah, got a complaint from a client, who, ah, took your yoga class. She, ah, said that she was offended by the, ah, revealing nature of your, ah, clothing.”

I didn’t understand.

The manager continued, “Little pinkie took a look around and we the staff at the Gainey Village need little pinkie to stay in your pants.”

But I still was unclear. Why was the manager being so abstract?

The manager continued, “I don’t know what shorts you wear to teach yoga but it sounds like they were of the Dolfin variety.”

But I still didn’t get it.

Finally, the manager blurted out angrily, “Keep your —- in your pants. If this happens again, I’ll personally lead you and little pinkie straight out the door!”

Now I understood. And boy was I embarrassed. It’s one thing to be reprimanded for showing up late for work or for performing poorly at work. But to be reprimanded for accidentally exposing your privates to an unsuspecting audience, that was the worst.

Soon thereafter, my good friend Max began calling me White Snake. And the rest is history.

Please don’t be offended. Nowadays, I am cautious to protect against another incident of pinkie peek-a-boo. We all make mistakes.  I just want to be honest with you all and wear mine on my sleeve; or maybe I should say “thru my shorts.”

Yoga + Wine in Sicily

“Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travellers don’t know where they’re going.” Paul Theroux

It’s not too late to join us for a week full of dreamy perfection that will instantly make this summer one of the all-time greatest. It’s how it works. You get on a plane and fly to Rome. Then you get on another plane and fly to Sicily. It will take about 2/3 of a day to set yourself up for Aladdin style dream. You’ll wonder if in a past life your asked your Genie for what is about to follow:

Waking up for a light breakfast and espresso, you’ll head over to the yoga room whose open doors invite a cool Mediterranean breeze as you lie on your mat for my morning yoga. Themes will focus on the Sicilian philosophy of milking life for all it’s worth; more time with family, more appreciation of food and wine, more sun, more rest, more love! Then co-host, wine sommelier, and native Sicilian Angela Gargano will guide you to hidden gems featuring the greatest pasta, the freshest seafood, the most perfect wine selections to accentuate flavors beyond your wildest imagaination. Each day will feature expert tours (rather than tourist book fiascos) leading you to ancient ruins from all the civilizations who ruled over Sicily (Byzantines, Greeks, Romans, Arabs, Republicans, etc)

The dollar is terrible so if there’s ever a time to explore Sicliy on a high-end luxurious yoga trip where one-price-covers-all, now is the time.

Email Angela for more info:  blissflowyoga@yahoo.com

OR

Click here for more info
Category : The Schtick Newsletter | Blog
5
May

The Schtick (The Horrors of Double Dating)

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The Schtick

“An adventure is only an inconvenience wrongly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.”  GK Chesterton

I was churning away on the Thighmaster when this guy hopped on the bike next to me. He was from some exotic country (not sure where) and he introduced himself as M’aan Hoor. Turns out he is an author working on a parody of Eat, Pray, Love from a male perspective.  How interesting I thought and after a few minutes of conversation, I invited him to join me and my girlfriend on a double date. I’d felt the need to embark on new adventures with new people. Plus it’s always nice to make new friends and the older you get, the harder it is to do.

But let’s be honest. Double dating is risky especially when nobody knows anybody. My girlfriend was very hesitant and nervous about getting caught talking to a strange woman at dinner. We showed up and there was M’aan Hoor standing at the door with his lovely partner who introduced herself as Timantha (see above photo). Timantha was what you might call a “Shim” or “of unknown gender.”  Oh gosh, this was going to be a long night I thought.

We sat down for dinner and to break the ice, right away I asked, “So M’aan Hoor, tell us about your book?”

In his exotic accent, M’aan Hoor began a soliloquy on his very strange philosophy, “Well it’s about a married man who decides to leave his marriage and spend 3 months in Daytona making love, 3 months in South Beach making love, 3 more months in South Padre Island making love, and 3 months in Lake Havasu making love.”

My girlfriend’s jaw just about dropped and she kicked me hard under the table. Meanwhile Timantha smiled proudly. Timantha had a subtle mustache and cute hairs protruding from her earlobes. Yet her lips were covered in lipstick. Confusing to say the least.

M’aan Hoor continued, “It’s a story about male urges which are universal to all men everywhere.”

“Um excuse me,” my girlfriend interrupted. “I don’t think that’s true. It better not be true.”

M’aan Hoor calmly retorted, “Yes it’s true. Ask your boyfriend and he will tell you. David tell her it’s true.”

This double date was an instant disaster.

I jumped in, “M’aan Hoor that is not true at all; I would never want to go those places. South Padre Island? Are you kidding?”

There was a moment of silence.

My girlfriend responded, “That wasn’t my point! It’s not about the places! It’s about leaving your marriage to make love to people all over the world?! Is that some kind dream you have?!”

Woops. I buried myself a deep hole. The next 10 seconds seemed like 2 hours.

I tried to make the save, “Of course I wouldn’t do that. But it’s just a book he’s writing and I didn’t like his settings.”

But I missed the point. My girlfriend stood up to leave and I turned to M’aan Hoor, “Thanks for nothing M’aan Hoor.”

Let a lesson be learned.  It’s important to push the envelope, try new things, and make new friends. But the awkwardness of double dating let alone double dating shims might best be avoided.

M’aan Hoor’s book, Cheat, Play, Love hits the bookstores in 2010.  M’aan Hoor is NOT my friend.

The Greatest Mother’s Day Gift of All Time

Can you imagine how amazing it would be to spend an entire weekend learning how to properly indulge exotic chocolate? Does it sound like a joke? It’s no joke. This May 30-June 1, we will teach you how to create the proper mindset and atmosphere to maximize the taste of Vosges Chocolate. “We” means myself and my great friend and founder of Vosges Chocolate Katrina Markoff. We are co-presenting “The Yoga + Chocolate Training” which will train you how to ward off distraction, discover the value of presence, and recognize a new world of taste, sound, and beauty. If you’ve already experienced my Yoga + Chocolate workshops, this is taking it to a whole new level. The weekend will be rich with Katrina’s inspiration and entrepreneurial wisdom. In addition to being Bon Appetit Magazine’s Food Artisan of the Year, Katrina was just named Entrepreneur Magazine’s Woman of the Year. So whether you’re a foodie or a hard-working business person, there will be much to gain for your mind, palette, and spirit.

Each day will feature my yoga classes with entirely new selections of music and moving themes that will prep your sensory appetite for the delicious chocolate treats yet to come. Katrina will feature her entire smorgasbord of Vosges chocolate treasures to create a weekend that you will never, ever forget. Think Santa Clause meets Willy Wonka meets Eckhart Tolle on coffee.

Here’s some more info:

If you are a passionate student, a chocolate lover, or a yoga instructor wanting more, the Yoga + Chocolate Training will inspire even greater love for the symbol of deliciousness as experienced in a deeply and richly present moment. This 3 day weekend intensive will focus on the tastes, sounds and message that have made Yoga + Chocolate such a sweet experience. The training will feature:

-History of chocolate

-Cooking inspiration with Vosges founder Katrina Markoff

-In-depth on the chakras and how to accentuate thru exotic chocolate

-How to create and/or teach a Yoga + Chocolate experience using truffles, music, stories, and fun sequencing

-Entrepreneurial wisdom from Entrepreneur Magazine’s 2007 Woman of the Year, Katrina Markoff

-Aromatherapy 101

-My quirky themes and irreverent brand of spirituality

The Yoga + Chocolate Training will take place at Exhale Santa Monica:

Friday, May 30        6:30-9:30pm

Saturday May 31        1:30-5:30pm

Sunday June 1          2:30-6:30pm

Price:  $295 (which includes a year’s worth of chocolate packed into one amazing weekend)


SIGN UP NOW at Exhale Santa Monica:   310.899.6222

Please email me with any questions:  yeahdave@yeahdaveyoga.com

Yoga + Wine in Sicily

“Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travellers don’t know where they’re going.” Paul Theroux

It’s not too late to join us for a week full of dreamy perfection that will instantly make this summer one of the all-time greatest. It’s how it works. You get on a plane and fly to Rome. Then you get on another plane and fly to Sicily. It will take about 2/3 of a day to set yourself up for Aladdin style dream. You’ll wonder if in a past life your asked your Genie for what is about to follow:

Waking up for a light breakfast and espresso, you’ll head over to the yoga room whose open doors invite a cool Mediterranean breeze as you lie on your mat for my morning yoga. Themes will focus on the Sicilian philosophy of milking life for all it’s worth; more time with family, more appreciation of food and wine, more sun, more rest, more love! Then co-host, wine sommelier, and native Sicilian Angela Gargano will guide you to hidden gems featuring the greatest pasta, the freshest seafood, the most perfect wine selections to accentuate flavors beyond your wildest imagaination. Each day will feature expert tours (rather than tourist book fiascos) leading you to ancient ruins from all the civilizations who ruled over Sicily (Byzantines, Greeks, Romans, Arabs, Republicans, etc)

The dollar is terrible so if there’s ever a time to explore Sicliy on a high-end luxurious yoga trip where one-price-covers-all, now is the time.

Email Angela for more info:  blissflowyoga@yahoo.com

OR

Click here for more info

Living the Moment in Austin, Texas and San Francisco, CA


I finished my book which will be titled YEAH DAVE’S GUIDE TO LIVING THE MOMENT and now it needs to bake in the oven before it’s published in the near future by Broadway Books/Random House. In the meantime, check out what will be AWESOME upcoming weekends in Austin and the Bay Area.  These weekends feature accessible gateways by which to find a more deeply present moment and take time away from the bump and grind of everyday living. Such accessible gateways include flowing yoga, great music, exotic chocolate and fine wine

Join me:

May 2-4 at 7th Street Yoga in Austin, TX

May 17-18 at Yoga Source in Los Gatos, CA

Each weekend will feature not just one experience but a complete journey starting Friday with 45 minutes of audio-visual inspiration that will illustrate the power of a deeply present moment; continuing with a new evolution of chocolate powered yoga and wine-inducing ecstasy; and finishing with a slam bang of great music and a shift in perspective that will leave you fired up for the best Spring ever!

All weekends feature equally fun and boredom-proof info that is totally different from what I’ve presented in previous trips!
Category : The Schtick Newsletter | Blog
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