“Many who would not take the last cookie would take the last lifeboat.”  Mignon McLaughlin

Last week I went to Katsuya which is an amazing sushi spot in Encino, California. My girlfriend and I arrived and were meeting her friends Scott and Maggie. We exchanged pleasantries before sitting down for a hot sake and my absolute favorite, the fresh albacore sashimi with crispy onions.

I didn’t care for this Scott but it was the boyfriend of my girlfriend’s best friend so once a month, I grit my teeth and bear it out.  Scott is one of those guys who dares to talk about other women in front of his girlfriend in turn endangering not only his relationship, but also mine. Whispering but barely, he was talking about some girl he’d just seen, “Dude you should have seen the size of her chachkis!”

I just wanted the Albacore sashimi covered in crispy onions to arrive already and get this bozo to pipe down.

“Ah huh, ah huh,” I said continually, nodding my head and sucking down the Edamame.

I glanced over at my girlfriend and Maggie gabbing away, and I could start to sense that my girlfriend was watching Scott out of the corner of her eye, trying to key in on his philandering ways.

I looked back at Scott who saw me getting understandably uncomfortable, “Dude, I don’t think she has any clue, don’t worry about it. Plus, she’s gotta know every guy likes to talk about tig bits.”

It’s guys like this Scott that give us all a bad name.

Finally, the 5 pieces of Albacore sashimi with crispy onions arrived. Words don’t do justice to the uniquely crunchy onions preceding fresh tuna that melts in your mouth. I finished my piece oh so fast and closed my eyes to savor every second of deliciousness. But when I opened my eyes, bozo Scott was cupping his chest to suggest the size of the breasts on the lady at the table to our right. What a jerk this guy was.

I didn’t pay attention to him for long. Because there was an extra piece of sushi sitting on the table and calling my name. I didn’t want to be rude and grab that last piece of sushi. I saw Maggie also eyeing it.  “She better not touch it,” I thought to myself.

And I saw my girlfriend also eyeing that last piece of sushi. I pinched her under the table suggesting she save it for me. I don’t think she took the hint as she kicked me hard in the shin.

I tried to look away but given that it was my turn to pay the bill, I figured it was fair for me to grab that last piece of sushi. So I took it and as I was about to put it in my mouth, Maggie said under her breath, “Pig.”

My girlfriend was also nodding in disbelief playfully touching my right manboob with her index finger as if to insinuate “someone needs to lose a few.”

I hated that last piece of sushi.

Even Scott said, “No wonder you’re so uncomfortable talking about boobs.”

*****

What really constitutes bad manners? I think there’s way too much fuss made about leaving the last piece of sushi for another, or eating with your mouth closed, or dabbing the soy sauce from your arm with a napkin when you could just lick it off with your tongue. I remember my brother telling a hilarious story about his dining at an elegant restaurant in Switzerland with all these fancy pants fashionistas. They daintily cut their steaks and potatoes which he struggled to emulate. Starving and frustrated, he gave up, dug in, and devoured his food like a bag of Doritos after a night of beers and reefer. He amusingly recalls the horror on the faces of those forced to watch his bad manners surface like a monster from the depths. But really, so much attention is paid to proper etiquette. Is that what’s gonna make a difference in this world?

If we redirected the resources that go into how we look, eat, and banter and instead put those resources toward how we conserve, protect, and treat others, wouldn’t the world be a better place?  Confucius said, “When music and courtesy are better understood, there will be no war.”  This doesn’t  mean good table manners are a bad thing. But the truly defining characteristic of a good person is not chewing with a closed mouth, but living with an open heart.

Besides taking the last piece of sushi, here are some other examples of bad manners often seen amongst two couples out to dinner.

1. Pump Fake

One couple offers to the pay bill knowing  the other couple will fend off the attempt at least offering to split it.  It’s kind of like a pump fake in basketball.

Me:  “I’ll get this one, don’t worry about it Scott.”

Scott: “Are you sure, why don’t you let me get it?”

Me: “Ok, fine. You can pay.”

2. The Dirty Split

One person splits the bill and takes the time to figure out who got appetizers and who didn’t get appetizers.

Scott:  “Ok, you owe 47.19 and I owe 21.17.”

Me:  “How do you figure? We all got drinks and we everyone got an entrée.”

Scott: “Yeah but I didn’t eat any of the Rock Shrimp.”

Me: “Yeah but your drink was $12 and each of ours was $5.”

My girlfriend (under her breath): “Just forget it!”

3. The Awkward Connection

This is where I get along swimmingly with the other woman, and my girlfriend has nothing to say to the other guy.

Me (to Maggie):  “No that’s not true, your yoga practice is amazing. I’ve seen some of your poses and let me tell you, you can really move.”

Maggie:  “You think so? Wow thanks. It’s just that sitting frog pose that I have a hard time with.”

Me:  “I’d be happy to help you with that pose. No problem.”

Maggie:  “Really? You’d do that for me?”

Meanwhile, Scott and my girlfriend have nothing to say to each other.

Scott (to my girlfriend): “Soooooo, whose boobs are bigger, his or yours?”

4. Politics

One person stupidly brings up politics.

Scott:  “If McCain doesn’t win, we’re all screwed.”

Girlfriend:  “McCain is an idiot.”

Maggie:  “Let’s change the subject.”

Scott (to my girlfriend): “An idiot? So you’re for Obama?”

Girlfriend: “Heck yeah.  You’re for McCain?”

Scott: “No offense or anything but you’re stupid.”

Girlfriend: “F-ck you!”

5. The Rude Jerk Redneck

When one person who’s a bit of a redneck addresses the seemingly foreign waitress.

Scott (to the waitress):  “Excuse me m’am? Food coming soon? You know, food, like eat, soon, like hurry?”

The pleasant waitress nods as if she’s hustling to get the food.

Maggie (apologetically to the waitress): “Ok thanks so much we know you’re busy.”

Scott (to Maggie): “Honey, let me take care of this.”

Scott (to waitress): “English you? You speaka the English?”

Waitress: “Yes I speak English. Your food is on its way. Would you like your spit a la carte or should I mix it in for you?”