Just the other night I was leaving a Sunday barbecue and making my rounds to say goodbye.  I gave my friend Tom a high five and his wife a pseudo-kiss on the cheek. Then I gave a manly hug with a firm pat on the back to my buddy Robert and a quick hug to his new girlfriend. Then I gave a double high-five to my old friend Eric and a another kiss on the cheek to his wife Sarita. And lastly, I came to this mysterious couple who I’d just met for the first time. He was a seemingly pleasant dude named Ron whose hand I shook as we exchanged cards in very business-like fashion. And then I came to his wife Veronica who I attempted to hug when one of life’s most awkward things took place. She squared her face to mine and gave me a big, fat kiss on the lips.

Weird.

I was taken aback and so was her husband Ron. Ron looked at me as if to say, “What the hell was that?” And then he looked at his wife as if to say, “We’ll be talking about this when we get in the car.”

I must admit I felt seventeen different emotions in the seconds after that kiss. Nervous, excited, disgusted, erotic, afraid, creepy, special, handsome, dirtbaggy, ugly, lustful, sinful, etc. It turns out that I wasn’t so special after all. Veronica is a lip-kisser (much to Ron’s dismay). Straight up, pure lip-kissers are rare. A recent poll determined that 8% of all women and 4% of all men attempt to kiss members of the opposite sex on the lips when saying hello or goodbye.

Granted, if the person kissing you on the lips is attractive, you might not mind a little flirtation here and there. But if the person kissing you on the lips is unattractive, and has bits of cheese and crackers on their lips, you might want to avoid contact. According to the poll, lip-kissers are generally nice, unassuming people who tend to give humanity the benefit of the doubt. Thus, their willingness to risk herpes and other diseases which may be looming on the lips of a stranger.

If you are about to be kissed on the lips and you’d rather not be, here are some emergency measures to avoid the barely avoidable:

1. DRUEL
In a last second gasp to avoid being kissed on the lips, squirt a small amount of druel out of your mouth much like a snake squirts venom. Unless the lip kisser is blind or outrageously disgusting, they will abort, and you will be safe.

2. DUCK
Another option not quite as potent as druel is ducking when about to receive an unwanted kiss on the lips.  This involves some amount of athleticism and reaction time requiring a quick bend of the knees. Think of yourself as a Tai Chi expert on Ritalin.

3. TONGUE
If you see the unwanted lips coming at you, another technique involves sticking your tongue out of your mouth. Usually a lip kisser will not want to make contact with your tongue and you will be safe. But on occasion, a dirty lip kisser might very well stick their tongue out to meet yours which in some circles is called a French Kiss.

4. OPEN WIDE
This technique is very much an ancient Eastern method practiced for thousands of years by the Can-quer Sor Masters of Kazmanistan. As the unwanted lip kisser is about to make contact with your lips, open your mouth wide. The surface area will suddenly disappear like a landfall. The only problem is that the unwanted lips will lunge into your open mouth much like a minnow into the mouth of a whale.

5. SCREAM
This is the most awkward defense against an unwanted lip kiss. If all else fails and you absolutely cannot handle a pair of food-encrusted lips touching your own, scream loud. Obviously, the lip kisser will retreat. The only problem is that you will appear to be a psychotic freak, and you might never be asked back this takes place in a social setting.

In conclusion, Voltaire said, “To enjoy life, we must touch much of it lightly.”   Forget all this business about leading with your heart. Blessed is the courageous, loving soul with the courage to lead with their lips. And cursed is the pretentious freak who can’t handle a little strangelove (assuming its herpes-free strangelove).