“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your husband is bound to interfere.” -Groucho Marx
I had yet another intriguing plane flight coming back from Minnesota. I was watching a DVD, Rambo, on my laptop, when the guy next to me says, “You seen it hard?”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh yeah, I was just sayin that I wrote the screen adaptation,” he continued.
“You wrote Rambo?” I asked suddenly sitting up in my chair.
“Rambone. I wrote Rambone.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s adapted from Rambo. It’s the story of a man lost in the woods who’s surrounded and hunted by 3 sisters,” he said as much with his hands as with his mouth.
“Huh?”
“They finally trap him and tie him up in their basement.”
“And then what happens? I thought Rambo was hunted by armed men? What’s this about sisters?” i inquired.
“Well y’see, they huh, force him to remove his clothes and then they torture him with buzzing gadgets.”
“You mean weapons? Is it violent? R-rated? When did it come out?” I naively muttered.
“X-rated actually.”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I see, I see. Ok,” I now sat very erect in my chair. “Nice to meet you so you’re a screenwriter? ”
“Actually, an adaptor. I adapt hit movies to a more exciting format. I see that you are working on your own writing and we are looking for new scribes. Would you be interested? We’re currently looking for someone to adapt the classic hit E.T.,” he said excitedly.
“And what’s the storyline?”
“A UFO filled with alien cougars from another planet comes to earth. One cougar is left behind and found by an innocent 18 year old teenage boy. They have an, ah, experience until the parents discover the boy hiding the cougar in his bedroom. They must contact her ship so that the cougar can return to her planet.”
“What is the boy doing with an animal?”
“It’s not an animal. It’s a woman looking for some spunk,” he proudly exclaimed of his idea.
“And what it will be called?”
“E.C. Extra Cougar. How do you like this for a tagline: Lost in space, Might as well suck face.”
“Sounds, ah, well, ah,”
“What do you think? Will you write it?”
*****
Our society, ridden with porn, is sick. But easily healed. In 2006, there was $97 billion spent on porn worldwide. 40 million US adults regurly visit porn web sites of which 72% are men and 28% women. There’s no doubt that monogamy is difficult and trying for both men and women. But to concoct strange fantasy storylines such as the ridiculous Edward Penishands (adapted from Edward Scissorhands) in order to satiate your loins wreaks of dis-ease. I’m not trying to pretend that erotic fantasies don’t stir my juices. But so would a dead carcass provoke growling in my stomach if I was starving on a deserted island.
The yogis equate the energy of creativity with the energy of sensuality. Interestingly enough, recent scientific studies show that novelty sparks attraction-inducing dopamine in the brain. In other words, if it’s been way too long since you’ve had intimate contact with your partner, go do something crazy, different, fun, weird, and novel!
Often our physical attraction sputters and fails not because we grow tired of one’s same ol’ lack of foreplay or odd kissing techniques. Rather, we forget to have fun; to carve out time free from responsibility; to try a new restaurant, a different hike, or a refreshing morning sleeping late (really late).
Anais Nin said, “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishing.” Nin forgot to include that love dies because one loses touch, not only with his partner, but with himself. So before reaching for the kinky gadget and the slimy porn, reach someplace a little deeper, a little darker, surrounded by the moisture, rhythm, and softness of life itself: your very own heart.
**E.C. will be avaiable at specialty stores in June 2010.
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