“Health is the intuitive art of wooing nature.” W.H. Auden
A trip to a Whole Foods market is always a pleasant adventure if not an education in wellness. From the delicious olives to the fine wines and exotic cheeses to the organic goat milk ice cream, who doesn’t love Whole Foods?! Needless to say, the samples are always my highlight. A few months ago, I was venturing through the aisles when I came across a sampling of an odd product called Ghizz.
“Interesting,” I said. “Is it organic?”
“Does a bear poop in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Is your yoga teacher insane?” the Ghizz employee quickly replied. “Try some.”
He handed me a small paper cup of what appeared to be a melted popsicle of creamy orange pleasure.
I must admit it was delightfully refreshing, uplifting, and nourishing.
“What is it?” I inquired reaching for another cup.
“It’s Ghee butter, Echinacea, vitamin b, acai, blue green algae, goji berries, and the semen from a lemur.”
“Oh gross,” I spit it out. “Lemur semen?”
“You haven’t heard? It’s full of antioxidants. I drink 2 gallons of this stuff every day and I feel friggen fantastic!” the employee enthusiastically chimed in.
“Well, if you say so. Antioxidants huh?” I asked reluctantly trying some more.
“You betcha. This stuff not only will fill in for coffee, it’s also Viagara, Valium, and a shot of Jager all in one amazing combo.”
“Wow, how much is it?”
“Well it’s $45 per gallon but if you average that with the rest of the items at Whole Foods, it’s very normal.”
“Ok,” I said, “I’ll take some.”
I checked out from Whole Foods and when I saw my total was $375 for 3 apricots, a salad, a pizza, a few other basics, and Ghizz, I just about lost my lunch. But hey, it’s all in the name of “wellness.”
I began drinking Ghizz every morning and every night for one week; and I must tell you, I felt great. It invigorated my muscle tone, cardio capacity, virility, and flexibility. But oddly enough, I began growing very strange hairs around my nipples. These hairs were long, abundant, and impossible to remove with scissors. After much thought and reflection, I realized these nipple hairs were a result of Ghizz.
I returned to Whole Foods a few weeks later but realized Ghizz was nowhere on the shelves. I asked for the manager who told me they stopped selling the product. I asked why but he refused to answer my question. Then I lifted my shirt to show the manager the steely nipple hairs draping my chest like giant vines
“Is this why?” I asked. “Is it?!”
Just then, a person approached me, “Aren’t you my yoga teacher?
I hate when that happens.
Its turns out Ghizz was immediately taken off the market by the FDA after several people across the country suffered adverse reactions.
I thought hair on your chest signified manliness. But now it makes me feel like a sucker. And I think we can all learn that in this quest for wellness, it’s not worth sacrificing safety. Next time you’re in Whole Foods sampling a wasabi bean hummus, ask the sampler, “Will this make me grow steely nipple hairs?” Trust me, the person will know what you’re talking about. Don’t be embarrassed to ask this question.
Wellness embodies so much more than your relationship to food. It’s also about your perception of the environment, you relationships with people, and most importantly, your definition of happiness. An article in Monday’s LA Times featured recent scientific research on happiness. The research shows that happiness is 50% genetic, 40% intentional, and 10% circumstantial. In other words, the amount of money in your bank account has very little to do with your level of happiness. Rather, it’s the decisions you make and the friendships you cultivate that play the most significant role in your sense of well-being.
So before you spend thousands of dollars on health, be aware that vitamin drinks don’t quench your soul, and organic peanut butter doesn’t feed your mind, and blue green algae doesn’t restore your relationships. As Mark Twain said, “Be careful reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
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