“Education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.”
-William Lowe Bryan

My cousin was in the hospital, and his wife asked for help. They were trying to get their son into a swanky private school and wanted me to fill in as “the father figure” for the interview. Well, the private school describes it not as an interview but “a playdate.” Either way, I thought it was strange being that their son is not 22 and applying to law school; nor 17 and applying to undergrad. Little Mikee is friggin 5 years old and applying to Pre-K. By the way, tuition is $24,000 per year.

Sweet Jesus.

Family is family so I accompanied my cousin’s wife Hanshee and watched as little Mikee, who has terrible ADHD, waited with us in the admission’s office. A Mr. Gonzalez greeted us in the waiting room and invited us to join him for a stroll.

We followed Mr. Gonzalez to a playground as he explained, “What we are most looking to see in this playdate is an applicant’s emotional intelligence or their capacity for kindness, curiosity for learning, and pleasant disposition.”

Mikee eagerly ventured into the playground with two other children around the same age. One child was quite handsome and athletic, sure to be a popular type. The other child was a bit odd and aloof.

Hanshee looked defeated and whispered to me, “He’s terrible at this David. I love him to death but little Mikee’s got a devil in him.”

“Have some faith, he can do this,” I said feeling as if I was watching a sports team go to battle.

“C’mon Mikee, let’s do this!” I rooted him on.

In fact, it felt like rooting for your football team with a 5-7 record to somehow come through big against the 10-2 team. Given Mikee’s track record of ADHD and an inability to play nice, we really needed the “upset” victory.

Hanshee hollered, “Mikee, remember what mommy told you. If you behave today, it’s straight to McDonalds.”

“Please, we ask that you refrain from communicating with your son during this process,” Mr. Gonzalez commanded.

“Mikee remember that we share! Share Mikee!” Hanshee whispered loudly.

“M’am please!” Mr. Gonzalez said.

But Mikee listened. He made nice with the aloof boy and they shared toys, laughed, and ran around for what must have been 5 minutes.  Hanshee and I high fived behind Mr. Gonzalez’s back as he scribbled notes about Mikee’s behavior.

But then, with what must have been less than 1 minute left in his “playdate,” Mikee wandered over to the corner of the playground.

“Mikee what you are doing honey?” Hanshee asked in a motherly tone.

“C’mon Mikee, 1st and goal on the one yard line. Punch it in and let’s go home!” I screamed.

Mikee proceeded to squat down. His face turned red.

“Mikee, noooooooooo!” I yelled in what felt to me like super slow motion.

Mikee crapped himself.

It’s been an ongoing problem so I can’t say it was surprising. But crapping oneself at any age during an interview is something with potentially damaging mental side effects. Subjecting a 5 year old to this pressure is a terrible thing.

As a panicky Hanshee carried Mikee out of the playground, she frantically turned to Mr. Gonzalez attempting to redirect his attention.  While pointing at me, she said, “The same thing happened to David in an interview once, it’s a genetic response to nerves! Tell him David! And look, he’s turned into a great success.”

WTF?!

Mr. Gonzalez turned to me, “And what do you nowadays David?”

“Oh I’m a yoga teacher.”

Mr. Gonzalez scribbled more notes.

*****

I’m about to pay my property taxes, and I might start dry heaving when I write that check. But it’s the most important check I’ll write all year because a lot of that money goes toward public schools. Today’s USA TODAY discussed how property taxes are remaining stable even as home values are decreasing. And for that reason, public education is one of the only sectors still adding jobs in this terrible economy.  For once, public schools have a leg up on the competition. It’s an example of how the radical changes taking place in society are not all bad.

But there’s no doubt the radical changes taking place are all uncomfortable and stripping society bare to reveal our big, fat, excessive ways.  When $24,000 a year is going toward a 5 year old learning to color with crayons, yet so many people are out of work, desperate, and struggling to get by, there’s a sad neglect for the community.  Argue with me if you want. But as you argue, watch the economy sink, the unemployed turn desperate, and general safety become a much more serious concern.

If we could care just a little less about the individual pursuit and just a little more about the well-being of our community, we will heal our faltering society. By default, it’s already happening. More and more parents who would normally send their kids to private school can’t afford it and are “forced” to embrace the public school. The fact that these parents suddenly take an interest in their local public school when before they would have cared less:  to me that shows the hardships of this era are helping our society get into better
“shape.”

If you’re rich, all the power to you. Let the rich be rich. Who doesn’t wanna be rich!  But if the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, and the private schools keep getting better, and the public schools keep getting worse, the day will soon come when the angry masses storm the mansions and ground the leer jets and stampede the luxury stores. And little Mikee won’t be the only one having an accident in his pants.