Archive for April, 2009

Whenever going out on the town, I’ll wear the same black sweater my girlfriend bought me in Italy in 2006 and the same brown pants I found on sale once in 2007. All of the women in my life (girlfriend, mom, grandma) ramble on about my ragged style. So finally on April 1, I went shopping

Upon stepping foot in the mall, I saw it gleaming like a jewel on the strip:  Tommy Bahamas. Everything I’d want in life. Tropical. Casual. Colorful. Cool.

A 78 year old salesmen named Walter greeted me at the entrance.

He helped me with some of the newer Tommy Bahamas styles including pleaded short shorts, button downs with fluttering toucans, and straw beach hats. I loaded up on enough new clothes to last for years (3 shirts, 2 shorts, 1 hat) and arrived for family brunch, excited to sport my new duds.

“Wow you look wahndaful,” my Grandma Evelyn said gleaming proudly at her grandson.

“Very nice,” my mom followed up.

“Are you being serious?” my girlfriend whispered in my ear.

We ate brunch and I enjoyed some furtive glances from some very attractive women in their late 80’s. As we stood to leave, however, I had one of those moments that I call in my book a Now Point. I looked down and saw the pleaded shorts shorts riding high up my crotch, the trick of some sick-in-the-head Tommy Bahamas designer in an office in West Palm. I felt trapped. Trapped in my pleaded short shorts. Trapped in the forward march of time. Trapped in a void of fluttering toucans and tall blond coifs.

*****

Last Fall I was sitting in Dodger Stadium for a baseball game. In walks an obnoxious guy with a bright green sportcoat and giant hair coated in gel. I couldn’t help but think “annoying” “ugly”  “why in front of me?”

But a few seconds later, I found out the guy in the bright jacket was Tre Cool, the drummer in the band Green Day (see above photo). I could care less about Green Day.  But all of the sudden, in my mind, he had permission to be weird. So it goes with style.  Fall into a crevice of doubt and your wardrobe bears the dust of darkness. But ascend a peak of confidence and pleaded short shorts and fluttering toucans form majestic shadows against a rising sun.

Or at least that’s what I heard on Oprah.

This brilliant, beautiful, and hilarious painting was created by Kipling Klimas of Houston.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look!  What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.  On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

“That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you?”

“Thirty-four,” she replied.

We lay back on comfy cushions, side by side, hand in hand…gazing.

“Oh look at that one,” Misty said in wonderment.

Absolutely awestruck, I couldn’t speak.

“Oh there’s one! It’s huge!” Misty said enthusiastically while fixing her hippy strands of hair wrapped around her ears.

“Ah, yeah, it’s a nice one,” I hesistantly chimed in.

“Oh my God, look at that it’s bright orange with bits of black!” Misty practically screamed.

Just what were we gazing at, you ask. Comets in the night sky? No. Shooting stars? No. Fireworks? No. Poopies? Yes!

I know what you must be thinking. And I agree. It was totally exotic and according to Misty, “Energetically harmonizing, physically detoxifying, and spiritually mystifying. Couples Colonics Therapy is supergroovy and plus, it makes me superhorny.”

Note: Colonics Therapy involves a nozzle connected to clear plastic tubing being inserted a small distance into the patient’s rectum. Then, water is repeatedly flushed thru the bowel and the patient can observe “things” leaving their bowel via the tubing. Oh what fun!

Let’s just say Misty was a hippy. I met her after Bryan Kest’s yoga class when I saw her showering in the sprinkler system out front of the Santa Monica Public Library.

“Can I give you some money to maybe get a motel room and a hot shower?” I asked, ever attracted to this hippie’s dirty brand of beauty.

“I’d rather spend my money on showering my insides,” Misty replied while flipping her long, wet hair over her shoulder.

Naturally, I inquired what this meant and the next thing I know, we were watching “our insides” leave our bodies and fall thru clear plastic tubing, all the while holding hands and exchanging furtive glances.

But “furtive” didn’t last long. As the attendant removed the nozzles from our scphincters, I waddled out of the building faster than 100 Deadheads stumbling upon a kind green nug. Yes I’d left Misty in the dust but God knows dust was the name of her game.

**********

As so often is the case with “super-wholesome” folks, they’re healthy in one way and lacking in others. They treat themselves to colonics only to shower in the sprinklers.  They opt for the healthier wheat beer but pound nine of them.  They preach peace only to cuss at a pedestrian walking too slowly across the cross walk. As the movement toward greener, more sustainable living takes hold (thank God), we are starting to see an increase in the “super-wholesome” and super-hypocritical.

I believe humans are as much horny little devils as we are pure little angels. Flap our wings too hard and we’ll soon realize “wind blows out a candle and blows in a fire.” I’m not saying embrace your inner devil. I’m just suggesting moderation is the only way to steer the herd of humanity toward greener, more sustainable living. Where did it say we have to leave fun behind in the quest to save the earth?

It’s of the utmost important to go green, to protect the animals, to cleanse your physical, emotional and spiritual being. But shove a vacuum in your sphincter to suck your bowels dry; and you run the risk of accidentally sucking something else into those little plastic tubes. Your soul.

Dreams Of Home Ziggy Marley & The Melody Makers
Honor and Harmony G. Love & Special Sauce
Gimme Freaks (Rolling Stones vs. Moguai & Tocadisco)    DJ Earworm
Killing me Softly The Fugees
I’m Yours Jason Mraz
To Be With You Mr. Big
Is There A Ghost Band Of Horses
Wagon Wheel Old Crow Medicine
Fade Into You Mazzy Star
Superman - Main Title John Williams
Mad World (American Idol Studio Version)    Adam Lambert
Peggy-O Grateful Dead    5-16-80
Angie    Gilbert Biberian, London Symphony Orchestra & Mick Jagger