During a school assembly in 9th grade, everyone was told to gather by their hair color. Naturally, I instantly walked toward the blonds when I was tapped on the shoulder by an authority figure who said, “Strawberry blond is red!” And from that moment on, I’ve considered myself to be a redhead. I’ll be the first to admit, redheads are different. Mark Twain said, “While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.”

So let’s define degrees of red and thus, degrees of accompanying intensity.

Strawberry Blond

A strawberry blond (see photo just below)  is like a mixed breed. “Strawberries” can be totally normal one second and then become the most socially awkward freaks another second. Think a playful Golden Retriever meets a Chow Chow having a colonoscopy.

Splotchy Red

Splotchy Redheads (see photo just below) have amber hair and lots of freckles on their face. Freckles are less about weirdness and more about politeness. Splotchies can be the sweetest, kindest folk but look at them the wrong way and their glare can cut through steel and their words sting harder than oral love performed with Camphophenique.

Purebred Red

Purebred Redheads (see photo just below) at least look as if they’ve come from two redheaded parents. Purebred Reds generally have bright red hair and fluorescent personalities. They tend to be brilliant and passionate about odd things like seashells. The thing is, it’s hard to spot a true Purebred Red as many dye their hair. To find out, here’s what you do. Lick your hand and then introduce yourself to the suspect. If they refuse to shake your hand, they are tried and true Purebred Red. Why? Because Purebred Reds are complete germophobes.

*****

By the year 2100, redheads will be extinct. According to the Seattle Times, “just 4 percent of the world’s population carries the red-hair gene. The gene is recessive and therefore diluted when carriers produce children with people who have the dominant brown-hair gene.”

It’s one thing to lose the atmosphere, icecaps, and the Maldives. But can you imagine a world without redheads? Do you not love us for our eccentricities, ill-timed remarks, glowing back hairs, and ffumder? 

If you are having a hard time figuring out how to make an impact and save the earth, look no farther than your favorite Splotchy, Strawberry or Purebred Red. Like the Short-Tailed Albatross and the Mission Blue Butterfly, redheads are also endangered species who need your love, attention, and most important, encouragement to breed with other redheads.

Let’s turn this thing around. Forget all this hype about going green. Go Red!