Archive for June, 2009

We’ve all heard countless studies, articles and TV interviews on happiness. But the other day I stumbled upon something that is just now being revealed to the media for the first time.* It’s a 72 year old study that began all the way back in 1937 when 268 Harvard University sophomores were asked to participate in a study measuring “a formula-some mix of love, work, and adaptation-for a good life.” And while many of those who were college sophomores in 1937 are now dying or in their fading twilight, this study continues to be diligently maintained to this very day.

And never before has science been able to report such fascinating and thoroughly time-tested results on happiness. Following are 3 powerful lessons from this study.

1. Have a Healthy Outlet

So many of the people in this study seemed to have all their ducks in a row. In their prime years in the 1950’s and 1960’s, they were making big money in powerful careers. They had beautiful families and lived in idyllic neighborhoods. Oddly enough, later in life, many of these fortunate people ended up breaking down mentally and physically. Why? If one didn’t have a healthy outlet for their fears, nerves, and struggles, it was only a matter of time before repressed demons erupted to the surface. The happiest people in this study had a healthy outlet. They were altruistic or had a rich sense of humor. They funneled their issues into sport, “their lust into courtship.”

It’s something important to consider. As the study proves, a human being can get away with sustaining daily nerves, fears, and doubts for a number of years. But ultimately, such a nervous nelly will crack. If you haven’t already, develop an outlet…find a sport, commit to helping others, lighten up, and laugh more often. A wise one said, “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road.”

2. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

This study, as reported in Atlantic Magazine, was summed up beautifully by the journalist Joshua Shenk: “Herein lies the key to a good life–not rules to follow, nor problems to avoid– but an engaged humility, an earnest acceptance of life’s pains and promises.”

In other words, one can only carry the burden of a big ego and lots of pride for so long before your proverbial knees will buckle. Don’t take life too seriously. We all have weaknesses. Do you really want to battle your dark side year after year? Or might it just be time to lay down your arms, take a deep breath, and enjoy life. It’s shorter than you think.

3. Happiness Must be Shared

The other night I was watching the movie adaptation of Into the Wild, the true story of Chris McCandless (see above photo which is a self-portrait found undeveloped in McCandless’s camera after his death). Fed up with the rat race, McCandless graduated college in the early 1990’s, left his worried parents in the dust, sold all his belongings, and ventured deep into the Alaskan wilderness. Before dying of starvation, he seemed to regret his isolationist ways and wrote these last words in his journal, “Happiness only real when shared.” According to the 72 year old study, McCandless was spot on. In the study, those who spent too much alone time ultimately struggled. The happiest subjects in the study were those who sustained meaningful, healthy relationships with friends and family. One can never give enough hugs, say enough “I love you’s,” and send enough “I miss you’s.”

As I emphasize in my book and to my own crazy self each and every day: Livin’ the good life is not fancy trips, and expensive jewels, and high brow country clubs. Rather, livin’ the good life is livin’ the moment!

*This study was reported in the media for the first time by ATLANTIC MAGAZINE, June 2009

My Playlist from 6-23-09

Om Namah Shivaya Wade Morissette
Reggae Got Soul Toots & The Maytals
Streets of Freedom The Gladiators
Stayin in Love Raphael Saadicq
The Wanting Comes in Waves The Decemberists

While walking around in Santa Monica the other morning, I saw a “Missing Pet” sign on the Whole Foods bulletin board. I walked closer expecting to see an image of a missing Shih Tsu or possibly a labradoodle. Surprisingly, it was not a cat or a dog but rather a gerbil that went missing.  The sign read as follows:

MISSING GERBIL
His name is Bruce but he responds to Xiaoping
Characteristics: great teeth, pretty brown coat, singed tail
Please call me if you find him. Reward $17.90

I know what you must be thinking and I agree. I freakin ran home and called the number! Not because I found the gerbil but because I was curious as to what kind of person would post such a sign! So I called and the conversation went something like this…

Ring, ring…

“Hello?”

“Yes, I’m calling about the missing gerbil sign…”

“Oh my God, did you find him?!”

“No, I didn’t find him but I’m just curious who would post such a sign?”

“Wait a second, I think I know this voice. Is this Yeah Dave?”

I hung up. WTF?! How could this person know me? Might it be from my yoga class? Could there be a chance that my book might be attracting such nutjobs?

*****

This morning I read a quote by the amazing Gabriel Garcia Marquez who said, “To all, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love…”

There is no denying that as we get older,  we grow limper, softer, and saggier. But our love need not sink with our loins.  Love comes in so many forms and while it might sting us in youth, it’s more likely to caress, lick, or nibble (aka gerbil) at us in our twilight.  So allow your notion of love to evolve with time…as did “man with gerbil.”

It was so shallow of me to question his love for a gerbil.  Love has the ability to transform a rodent into the crown jewel of beauty.   Oscar Hammerstein said it perfectly: “Do you love me because I’m beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?”

Now let’s be clear. I’m not suggesting you run off to Petco and buy a gerbil. I’m just saying sometimes we step on snails, and squash parades of ants, and lift our noses at gerbils thinking we are “better than.”  So I say God Bless this “man with gerbil.” And I’m happy that this “man with gerbil” somehow knows me. Yes I might be attracting nutjobs. But whether they be nutjobs, gerbils, dogs, or snails…the wise man in the East would tell you: Love does not discriminate by the nature of a creature, but by the space in its heart.

“To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.”  ~George Santayana

What would it be like to exist in ancient times as part of an indigenous culture like the Native Americans or the Aborigines of Australia? In some ways it would have been magical, simple, sweet. But in some ways, it would have been painful, archaic, challenging.

According to the great scholar Joseph Campbell, a human being living in the modern world suffers more because we endure less. In other words, we lack “rites of passage” which define the transition from one stage of life to another. For instance, Joseph Campbell writes about how a boy becomes a man in Aboriginal culture: The boy is brought into the field and put through an ordeal involving circumcision, subincision, and drinking of men’s blood. After this rite of passage, the boy is officially a man and as Campbell said, “There’s no chance of relapsing into boyhood after that.”    Granted, who in their right mind would want to perform or endure such a traumatic experience?!  But Campbell points to modern culture where you’ll have a 45 year old man still trying to be obedient to his father, or a 28 year old woman who can’t bear the thought of having to work hard.

Maybe the rite of passage doesn’t need to be so extreme as drinking blood but there’s something to be said for ceremony that defines a new chapter, a new era, a new leg in the journey. Another example of a rite of passage include the sweat lodge which in Native American culture was seen as womb from which one is born into a new era. One enters the sauna-like atmosphere, sweats out their worries, fears, demons; and leaves a new person.

Campbell points out that the trial-like nature of most rites of passage is to see if you are a match for the task; if you have the courage, the knowledge, and the capacity to go the distance in life.  Often, “the distance” refers to something much more harrowing than ascending Mt. Everest or becoming CEO of a company. As Julien Green said, “The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.”

Following are 3 painful trials of the modern experience which might best be perceived as rites of passage:

1. The Broken Heart

I have a whole section in my book (click here to check it out) about the rite of passage we call “the broken heart.” Upon enduring a broken heart, one enters an emotional chamber of pain only to leave with a purified heart. In today’s world, we leave one with a broken heart to sulk in sorrow. In some primitive cultures, there were spells and ceremonies to honor the broken heart which made the afflicted feel as if they were not the first one to endure such pain. If you or someone you know is currently suffering in the “pain chamber,” be aware that there are countless people in every corner of the world currently undergoing the same painful maturation process.  As Kahlil Gibran wrote, “All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart.” Because no matter how good the sex, no matter how long you’ve been together, no matter how attracted you are, until you know your deepest truth, love will be rooted in something bound to give way.

2. The First Job

For some, the first job is at 8 years old, For others, it’s 22 years old. Either way, it can be a very rude awakening to recognize that life is not always about the fun and games so common in youth. A lucky few actually enjoy their work right from the get-go. But most do not and choose between numbing themselves to the pain thus making peace with the routine; or using the pain as fuel to scratch, crawl, and maneuver their way to freedom.  The bottom line: the first job is a rite of passage marking the transition from the aimless joy of youth to the depth of purpose that defines an inspired adulthood.

3. The Yoga Class

Yoga is practiced by 30 million Americans. In some odd way, I believe people are subconsciously drawn to yoga not for the workout or the fact that it’s en vogue, but rather because they enjoy being part of something ancient. For so many, yoga is a rite of passage which has found its niche in the modern world. Each and every yoga class marks the birth of the student in the beginning of class and the death of the student at the end in the corpse pose (Savasana).  The yoga teaches the student to apply grace to pain, breath to struggle, and presence to beauty… in order to maximize the life experience. One who never takes yoga sees discomfort as a problem that needs to be corrected. Whereas a devout yogi sees discomfort as a necessary ingredient to all that’s good in life. As Helen Keller said, “The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.”

It started with a metallic ding of the bat. Then another. Then a flurry of “dings” until finally I turned around to see just who was causing all the commotion. A giant muscular man was mashing the ball at the Van Nuys Batting Cage. And behind him stood a crowd of people watching.

“Yeah Gino!” one 17 year old boy with braces and head gear screamed.

“Gino comin’ right down the middle!” the 61 year old PA announcer from the Encino Little League shouted

“Gino yeah baby yeah!” another woman who the others called Camel Flo shouted at the top of her lungs.

I stepped out of the cage and joined the crowd to watch Gino’s prowess.

Upon asking a few questions, I learned that Gino is a Van Nuys legend and arguably one of the best batting cage hitters of all time. But I was instantly suspicious. Gino’s muscles were bulging uncomfortably from his arms. He had dime-sized zits on his back. And his lower jaw was disgustingly square.

Could it be possible that someone would “roid” up to mash at the batting cages?

I quietly said to the 17 year old, “What’s the big deal? It’s just the batting cages!”

“Dude, Gino gets so laid, look at all these chicks!”

I subtly looked around and “all these chicks” consisted of Camel Flo and her daughters Camel Jo, Camel Mo, and Camel Ro.

They stood at the cages, ever so excited for their lover Gino. The harder Gino mashed the ball, the higher the Camel sisters yanked their pants.

But it wasn’t just the Camel sisters and the 17 year old. There was a drug dealer who wreaked of cologne from Walgreens, a Thai midget with a Detroit Lions hat, and a man with a giant Rollie Fingers mustache wearing an Armani sport coat over his bare, shaved chest. I’d never seen such a strange group of odd birds.

As Gino exited the cage, the others followed him and loaded into a 1987 Dodge van for their weekly visit to Sizzler. Gino, King of the Cages, and The Odd Birds. Who woulda thunk it?

*****

Sometimes we get stuck in time, holding tight to the glory of yesteryear. Whether sharing your Little League highlights over and over (visit here to see my LL highlights) or stalking that 9th grade girlfriend on Facebook, we all get snagged in the past.  It’s scary to turn around, stand proud in the moment, and face the future.

Put a bunch of 6 year olds in the pool and in less than 3 minutes they’re jumping off each others shoulders. Put a bunch of 36 year olds (well, I should say sober 36 year olds) in a pool and it takes a while to bond. As I get older, I find it’s harder to make friends, to open my mind to fresh music, to dare to embrace new passions.

So I’d like to pose a challenge. Over the next 7 days, I challenge you to make a new friend. Whether it’s an acquaintance whom you suddenly decide to embrace…or a random person from yoga class, reach out, introduce yourself, soften your heart, and open your mind.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the past. History shapes our mind as scars define our character. But there’s no such thing as a past opportunity or an old synchronicity. As Robin Sharma said, “Live in the glory of your imagination, not your memories.”