Ass Touchers. We all know one, maybe two, definitely not three.

The other day I hugged one of my students goodbye, and she proceeded to pat me on the ass. I was 10% aroused, 50% annoyed, 14% disgusted, 16% harassed, and 10% wishing she was under 72.  While patting me on the ass, she said, “Honey, keep eating those chocolates. We love you just how you are!”

Can you imagine if I walked up to my female yoga teacher, patted her on the ass, and said, “You just keep being the little pig that you are! And by the way, love your class!” I don’t think that would go too well.

Who are the rare birds with the audacity to touch ass? Are they stupid? Are they overwhelmingly affectionate?  Are they plain ol’ sweethearts? Are they Italian? Are they horny? Are they creepy?

*****

I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal about touching in the workplace. The article says, “Every workplace seems to have at least one ‘toucher’-someone constantly doling out hugs, shoulder rubs, or high fives.”  Now touching is a good thing. We need touch. The articles explains how “touch is an essential form of human communication, the first one we understand as newborns.”

I’ve written past Schticks about the importance of touch. But I’ve since realized that the “touchers” ruin it for everyone. If it wasn’t for the “touchers,” it would be totally ok to occasionally grab a little ass. But the “touchers” are constantly overstepping their bounds, touching your shoulder while talking about the game, lingering a little too long during that hug goodbye, high-fiving every single time you walk past them in the hall.

I think in order to make the world a more loving place where public touch is acceptable, we need to take a stand against “touchers.”

Following is a special song I’ve written that you can share with the touchers in your life as long as you give me credit. It should be sung along to the harmony of Ordinary World by Duran Duran:

If your hand’s on my ass
That’s a little too crass
My arm you’re stroking?
You’ve gotta be joking!

Chorus:
Is that your toe touching my back?
Is that your arm leaning on my rack?
Is that your pinkie running up my sock?
Please tell me that’s not your -ock?!