Archive for July, 2009

Vampires are everywhere! From the Twilight series of books and movie(s) to the HBO show True Blood, the vampires have pop culture hook, line, and sinker.  But what is it about blood-sucking creatures with fangs that electrifies human interest?

I saw my first episode of True Blood a few weeks ago and ever since, I can’t get enough of the vampire world. There’s something profound about the vampire mythology that effects us at a deeper level. Following are three things about human nature brought to light by the modern day vampire phenomenon:

1. Vampires Live Forever
Most every human being has pondered the fountain of youth. By 2015, the global anti-aging products market will reach $291 billion*. But the truth is, unlike vampires, we cannot live forever. I’ve always found the yogis’ perspective on aging to be very interesting. The yogis believe youthfulness is not based on the condition of one’s skin or the shape of one’s body. Rather, they believe youthfulness is based on the vibrancy of your spirit, the level of your enthusiasm, and an ability to free the mind. John Barrymore said, “You don’t age until your regrets outnumber your dreams.”

2. Vampires Stay Up All Night…Sleep All Day
Maybe it’s just me, but the idea of taking a whole day to sleep sounds like a dream from the distant past. Only a teenager (or a vampire) could get away with that. The truth told, most of use could benefit from an entire day of sleep.  74% of Americans don’t get enough sleep at night. Sleep-deprived children are twice as likely to abuse drugs when teenagers**. And sleep-deprived adults suffer long-term consequences that include increased risk of heart attack, depression, obesity, and high blood pressure… to name a few.*** So how much sleep do you need? There is no agreed upon golden number of hours necessary. The right amount of sleep varies based on the individual. But sleep should be just as important to health as toning the body, getting a good cardio workout, and eating right. An Irish proverb reads, “A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.”

3. Vampires Are Driven by Lust
I believe one of the most intriguing aspects of the vampire mythology is their infamous sexual appetite. Without institutions like marriage, vampires roam the night as eternal bachelors and bachelorettes with fangs. Being that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship****, are we that much different than vampires? The sacred text the Bhagavad Gita reads, “Lust, anger, and greed. Those are the three soul-destroying gates of hell.” At one time or another, if you are halfway human, lust will rear its ugly head in your private life. Whether triggered by the sexy young intern at the office or some old friend who has reached out to you on Facebook, a burning in the loins is a very normal part of the human experience. In my book Yeah Dave’s Guide to Livin’ the Moment, I share a formula for curing lust before it has a chance to wreak havoc in your life.

Next time you’re watching True Blood or reading the latest in the Twilight series, ask yourself: just what is it that engages your mind and hooks your soul?  Author Anne Rice said of the vampire allure, “It takes us back to primitive times when we worshiped dark gods as well as light gods. And it’s a powerful metaphor for the outcast– and monster in all of us.”  To avoid ending on such a dark note, I once read that “peace” is an ability to embrace (rather than subvert) all aspects of our being: happy and sad, good and bad, saint and sinner, human and…vampire.

Ass Touchers. We all know one, maybe two, definitely not three.

The other day I hugged one of my students goodbye, and she proceeded to pat me on the ass. I was 10% aroused, 50% annoyed, 14% disgusted, 16% harassed, and 10% wishing she was under 72.  While patting me on the ass, she said, “Honey, keep eating those chocolates. We love you just how you are!”

Can you imagine if I walked up to my female yoga teacher, patted her on the ass, and said, “You just keep being the little pig that you are! And by the way, love your class!” I don’t think that would go too well.

Who are the rare birds with the audacity to touch ass? Are they stupid? Are they overwhelmingly affectionate?  Are they plain ol’ sweethearts? Are they Italian? Are they horny? Are they creepy?

*****

I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal about touching in the workplace. The article says, “Every workplace seems to have at least one ‘toucher’-someone constantly doling out hugs, shoulder rubs, or high fives.”  Now touching is a good thing. We need touch. The articles explains how “touch is an essential form of human communication, the first one we understand as newborns.”

I’ve written past Schticks about the importance of touch. But I’ve since realized that the “touchers” ruin it for everyone. If it wasn’t for the “touchers,” it would be totally ok to occasionally grab a little ass. But the “touchers” are constantly overstepping their bounds, touching your shoulder while talking about the game, lingering a little too long during that hug goodbye, high-fiving every single time you walk past them in the hall.

I think in order to make the world a more loving place where public touch is acceptable, we need to take a stand against “touchers.”

Following is a special song I’ve written that you can share with the touchers in your life as long as you give me credit. It should be sung along to the harmony of Ordinary World by Duran Duran:

If your hand’s on my ass
That’s a little too crass
My arm you’re stroking?
You’ve gotta be joking!

Chorus:
Is that your toe touching my back?
Is that your arm leaning on my rack?
Is that your pinkie running up my sock?
Please tell me that’s not your -ock?!

Being a frequent traveler, I’ve grown accustomed to the airlines’ industrious transition. They charge you for baggage, charge you for drinks, charge you for food, charge you for an exit row seat. Flying to Dallas a few months ago, I had a revelation. After paying the stewardess $13.00 for a bologna sandwich on Wonder Bread, I thought to myself, “Only while flying through the air 500 mph in a hollow tube would I be willing to pay for bologna on white. Hmmm, maybe my yoga students could benefit from a similar program.”

So starting next month, I am instituting the Yeah Dave In-Class Services (TM)  program. It’s my way of providing you, my students, with a more luxurious yoga experience. I will offer you the opportunity to pay for all the extras we know and love. Yes they were free in the past but as Thoreau said, “There are no fixtures in nature. The universe is fluid and volatile.” Change is the name of the game.

Following is a preview of your Yeah Dave In-Class Services TM Menu.

In-class acknowledgement (TM): $.75
Block service (delivered to your mat): $2.50
Down Dog push:   $5.00
Forward Fold shoulder rub:  $6.50
Savasana Blanket Service (delivered to your mat): $8.95
Savasana Foot Rub:   $12.00
Savasana Head Massage:  $14.00
Happy Baby spread:   $18.00
In-class acknowledgement (TM) by your name: $19.75 (names are tough)
Mulabandha Plug:  $29.95
Savasana Mystery Package:  $95.00

Here’s how it works. Upon launch of the Yeah Dave In-Class Services TM program on August 1, 2009, I will take orders in the 10 minutes preceding class. Before you even have a chance to ask, let me answer what I’m sure is the #1 question. “YES!” you will be able to access the Yeah Dave In-Class Services TM program online for pre-orders and receive discounts as much as 2% off regular price. And by signing up for Yeah Dave In-Class Services’ (TM) Furry Fridays(TM) , I’ll update you with special sales on head massages, foot rubs, and occasional in-class acknowledgments (TM)** free of charge.

I tested the program in a recent class and was understandably met with some resistance. The lady in the above photo said, “F-ck this. I’ll just take Shiva’s class. or Seane Corn’s class. or Saul David Raye’s class. They’re famous and they don’t charge for extras.” Let’s just say she didn’t receive too much attention that class.

Another person said, “Yes, I’ll take the Savasana Mystery package, the mulabandha plug, block service, and is licking on the menu you sunuvabitch?! You should be fired. If John Friend only knew about this!”  The answer is no. No licking.

Another person was a bit more pleasant and said, “Oh wonderful, this is long overdue.  I think I’ll go with 3 down dog pushes, blanket service, and the Mystery package. And do you accept credit cards?” The answer is yes, Discover and JCB.

*****

After reading the above, I know what you must be thinking and I agree: with so many choices, how can one possibly decide?

Recent research on happiness proves that too many choices lead to unhappiness and anxiety. We’ve all taken that yoga class where the teacher says the dreaded words: “Everybody grab a partner!” Is it me or does that give you anxiety?  A stranger (let alone a man in tights) touching you? And then you have to figure out what the heck you’re supposed to be doin’ with this stranger as the godforsaken teacher walks around the room surveying their disaster-in-progress? Too much to think about it.

Life is easier (and the science shows) people are happier with less choices. As Da Vinci said, “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” I love how Wayne Dyer gave away all of his possessions.  Keep it simple!  I was deeply inspired by Trey Anastasio of Phish burning his entire CD collection. How liberating!

If you think there’s room for greater happiness in your life, consider the simpler approach. Give stuff away, dare to let go, take a step toward a more primitive lifestyle.  Which is the perfect segue to the debut of my very first Yeah Dave Apres-Class Service:

My Primitive Lifestyle Retreat at the Luxurious Mii Amo Spa taking place December 3-6                                         $2100

**Yeah Dave Furry Fridays’ occasional free in-class acknowledgements ™ do not include your name for which there is a $1.00 surcharge

In 2007, I traveled to India for a yoga retreat. When I gazed down from the hilltop in the morning, I saw the coast of the Southern Indian state of Kerala dotted with canoe-like fishing boats. I practiced yoga listening to the hypnotic sounds of the flute played by an Indian musician on a bluff overlooking the Arabian Sea. I enjoyed the ever-present scent of incense softening the transition to this otherworldly setting. And one morning while returning from yoga, I stumbled upon a man taking a leisurely poop on the beach in front of everyone.

According to author Eric Weiner, this mixture of faith, beauty, tradition, and squalor creates a sense of unpredictability. And that is why the people of India rate high on the Global Happiness Index. Weiner writes that “the happiest places are the ones that reside just this side of paradise.” In other words. too much of a good thing and we get lazy and unappreciative. As do the majority of people in India on a daily basis, we best appreciate sweet when tasted with sour, joy when mixed with sadness, triumph when contrasted with struggle.

This unpredictability of experience and emotion is a key component in the recipe for happiness. For most, myself included, we like to know what’s happening; we thrive on routines and plans. The unpredictable is scary and uncomfortable. But taking a cue from the people of India and making peace with the unpredictable leads to a more pure and lasting form of happiness. Following are three tips for embracing life in all of its unpredictable grace & fury, light & darkness.

1. Service
The science shows that people who volunteer regularly are statistically happier than those who don’t.* I teach yoga for a living and usually my students are people who can afford a yoga class package at a nearby studio. But when teaching at a state funded drug rehab facility in Arizona, I had a profound awakening. At one point in their lives, many of the people at this public rehab facility had literally “flatlined” due to drug overdose and were revived by paramedics. Despite working toward recovery, they were generally broke in the ways of money, mind, and spirit. My petty worries and silly issues suddenly paled in comparison. I was shocked how even the most basic breath or simple yoga pose brought them so much joy.

2. Statistics
A few nights ago, I was arguing with my girlfriend about bills, expenses, and all else that goes part and parcel with this grinding economy. Until she happened upon an article in the newspaper. The article told the story of Amado Campos (see above photo), who wheels a makeshift wooden cart up Los Angeles’ hills and across its freeway overpasses, under bridges and past gangbangers. He scrapes by each and every day by selling corn, chips, and shaved ice. If his cart falls over on a downtrodden sidewalk, he’s out a day’s earnings. All the while he’s a loving husband and father who recently went deep into debt borrowing money from a neighbor to celebrate his daughter’s Communion with 80 family members. For those of us lucky enough to be sitting at a comfy desk perusing the internet, it’s easy to forget that the story of Amado Campos is the story for the majority of the planet. More than one-half of the world’s people live below the internationally defined poverty line of less than U.S. $2 a day.**

3. Stretch
So often when we feel something uncomfortable, we tend to avoid it. Who in their right mind wants to feel pain? In the ancient Eastern world, there are practices like yoga that teach how pain, struggle and conflict “are the primary engines of growth and creativity.” A basic yoga class teaches how to handle pain and intensity with breath and relaxation rather than force and effort. When we embrace discomfort with grace, we’re all the more appreciative of the good times to follow. As Helen Keller said, “The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.”

*The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner

**http://www.prb.org/Journalists/PressRelease /2005/MoreThanHalftheWorldLivesonLessThan2aDayAugust2005.aspx