The Schtick (Yoga for Tweaked Out Gothic Methheads)

“A right is not what someone gives you; it’s what no one can take from you.” Ramsey Clark

Last week, a friend asked me to sub her class at a local country club. I hesitantly agreed. But when it came time to actually teach her 1:30pm yoga class at the country club 45 minutes away, I was very irritated. Yes yoga teachers have bad days too and after having slammed my Prius into a pole while backing up and after having received a parking ticket in front of my own home,  I did not want to be teaching yoga.

With a big frown, I entered the freezing, air-conditioned room at the El Cab Country Club.

“Hello everyone, Sharon isn’t here today and I’m your lowly sub,” I skeptically joked.

Upon surveying the class and seeing the wide range of personalities and varying levels of yoga experience, I realized a yoga teacher’s worst nightmare.  There was a woman caked in makeup, mid 60′s, thick east coast accent on the far right side of the room.  Her name was Martia. On the complete opposite side of the room was a hard-core athletic man with a finely sculpted body who introduced himself as Ron. And in the back, middle of the room was an exhausted, bleary-eyed mom with her gothic, tweaked-out teenage son.

Instantly, the bleary-eyed mother scrambled to the front of the room dragging her son in tow.

“Hi I’m Marney and this is my son Hobart. This is our first yoga class.”

“Nice to meet you Marney and Hogart,” I responded, not really caring to meet them.

“It’s Hobart,” he said to me grimly. “You yoga fruitcake!” he then uttered under his breath.

“Hobart mind your manners,” the mom said sternly.

The mom turned back to me, “Hobart is addicted to meth so if he’s a little irritated don’t worry about it. I’ve got him on leave from rehab for the afternoon.”

“Meth huh? Go Hobart go,” I said sarcastically.

I began class, “Alrighty everyone, let’s start lying on our backs. Just take a few deep breaths. Today I’d like to address the issue of fear. Sometimes we let fear dominate our lives…”

“Ahem,” Martia interrupted me.

I continued, “Fear can be so problematic, so this afternoon, I’d like to suggest…”

But Martia interrupted me again, “Who do you think you are? Wayne freakin Dyer? Can we do some yoga already?”

If I was a car, I’d be approaching the red line.

The 3 students bobbled and phutzed their way into down dog, but the muscular guy Ron did 10 push ups before springing into the pose.

“Excuse me David? I’m hot. Turn down the heat,” Martia said not asking but rather commanding me as if I was a servant.

“Keep the heat on David!”  Ron shouted at me while doing more pushups.

“To hell with you, you meshugina!” Martia barked across the room at Ron.

Hobart wasn’t moving and I approached him saying, “Hobart can I share a few tips on how to do the down dog pose?”

Hobart motioned for me to come closer as if he wanted to whisper something so I leaned in.

Hobart seethed, “You can suck me if you’d like!”

In this very second, I had a come to Jesus moment. There was the 60 year old woman screaming across the room at the 40 year old muscular triathalete. There was the bleary-eyed mom yelling at her tweaked son who lay on the ground phutzing with his wanker while staring into the sky.  And there was me, hoping to grow in my profession, trying to make a living, wanting to soon get married and have kids and take care of my future family. Yet I was being harassed by a methhead and J.A.P. (yes I’m Jewish) in the middle of  Tarzana on a chilly Tuesday afternoon.

So at this very moment, I made a conscious decision, turned off my Ipod, gathered my things, left the country club, and shifted my bearings once and for all.

*****

The great guru Osho said that when you are seeking freedom from life, you are always on the run, being chased by your finances, fears, and worries. I may seem to you like a fulfilled human being but truthfully, for most of my life, I’ve been on the run. Running from my neuroses, running from my insecurities, running from my guilt. I’ve always felt a need to assuage the Rons and Martias and endure the Hobarts and Marneys of the world.  After all, anything in the rear view mirror is confusing (if not daunting) when that’s your point of reference.

Osho said that when you are seeking freedom for life, you are diving headlong into the journey.  Chasing your dreams. Pursuing your passions. Setting your sites. In 2009, my book will come out. There will be people who don’t like it. And there’s a part of me that will want to turn around and ask why, how, really? But when looking backward, everything becomes a potentially destructive obstacle in the forward march through time. So let 2009 be the year when you turn around and run for life, not from it.