My buddy Chad is a successful, good looking dude with a great pad and the best of intentions…I believe a total catch for a woman looking to settle down. Chad recently vented, “I’m sick and tired of going solo to all these freakin’ weddings. No more benders in Vegas, no more stolen nitris tanks, no more hookers. This is it. I’m ready to settle down.”
This lovely woman Katherine takes my yoga class often and I thought she’d be the perfect match for Chad. So i invited her to join us for a leisurely Sunday hang.
Ding-Dong. Chad shuffled to the door and opened it, about to greet Katherine, when he lost his breath…
“Hey guys,” Katherine said. “This is my boyfriend Ish, thanks for inviting us over.”
Chad refused to shake boyfriend Ish’s outstretched hand. Let’s be honest. We’ve all been in this kind of situation where you think someone is single and you find out the hard way they’re not. This “boyfriend” was about as welcome as a “floater” left by a departed houseguest in your powder room toilet. (A “floater” is a little piece of poopie that refuses to be flushed…known in some circles as a “keeper.”)
God knows that powder room is finely decorated with the fancy towels, the pastel painting by Grandma on the wall, the lovely sea-shell collage near the sink, the picture of your baby niece dressed as a flower girl by the window…and the odd, defiant little floater bobbing up and down in the toilet water.
Can you not relate to the floater’s angst? Sometimes it seems like everything around me is so nice and well-put together but I, the floater, am just bobbing up and down, wishing someone would flush me away. Away from the sea-shell collage, away from the pastel painting by Grandma, away from the burdens and pressures of life.
But wait, to some, the floater is heroic. After all, it remained, a lasting peace (or should I say piece) with the courage to stand out in all its gory (or should I say glory). There is a part in each of us that feels like the floater, ugly and unable, starkly contrasted against a world of people who are richer, prettier, happier. Whether due to your social status, career, financial state, or health, each and every one has some kind of burden to bear and struggle to endure.
Here’s my advice. If you seem stricken with being single forever, embrace your freedom. If you’re shackled by financial crisis, simplify. If your health is waning, live each day to the fullest. And if a woman you were hoping to date comes over (with her freakin’ boyfriend), be nice to him, the universe works in mysterious ways. As the great Dingle Berry Nasteeman said, “Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.”