Beautiful

I recently had a particularly chatty group of people in the front row of my yoga class. One aspect of a strong yoga teacher is their ability to control the classroom. So….I tried several tactics to get these chatty people to quiet down.

–First I kept it light, “Can we all just let the breath take over?”
–Then I added some punch, “Anyone know how to say ‘diarrhea of the mouth’ in Sanskrit?”
–Then I tried to scare them, “Did you read that report on Huppington Post saying that people who talk a lot in yoga class are 60% more likely to develop genital herpes?”

But they kept talking so I laid down the hammer with a, “SSSSHHHH!”

It’s one of the worst things to happen to you. Whether from your husband, friend, yoga teacher, or exotic dancer, getting sssshhhhed is embarrassing, demeaning, hurtful, and effective. But sometimes it does us all a little good to get Sssshhhhhed (with a capital ‘S’)…to have our sometimes petty worries, issues, neuroses and fears put in their proper place!

*****

I woke up this morning listening to a radio report about, Irshad Kassim, a local bank director, who changed his mind about taking the Pakistani Airblue plane that crashed in Islamabad yesterday; all 152 people on board were killed.  Kassim recalls, “I was on the flight, booked and confirmed — and I was going to take the flight. I decided at 6 o’ clock not to because of the weather.”

Hearing this story was a SSSSSSHHHHHH moment. Nothing else mattered, everything was silenced…even my craving for caffeine.  I wanted and needed to hear more about this Irshad Kissam. And I’d be intrigued to know if he’ll have a renewed “raison d’etre,” a fire to fulfill some deeper calling in life. Just as I’d be intrigued to see what becomes of a 13 year old girl named Bahia (see photo) who was the only person to survive a plane crash in the stormy Indian Ocean in June 2009.

Bahia could barely swim and didn’t have a life jacket. Her plane – an Airbus 310 with 153 people on board – crashed in rough weather while preparing to land in the Comorros, the tiny island nation. Bahia was rescued after clinging to debris for around 12 hours in shark-infested waters.  According to Bahia’s father, it’s not like she was this powerful athlete or leader. He said, “She is a very, very shy girl. I would never have thought she would have survived like this. I can’t say that it’s a miracle, I can say that it is God’s will.”

These stories are the most powerful kind of SSSSSHHHHH moments. Silencing our chatty minds and our buzzing emotions, they reveal a clarity rare to humans not living in monasteries or ashrams. This clarity whispers to us as it screamed to Irshad Kassim and 13 year old Bahia. Wake up! Get your priorities in order. Most importantly, “Don’t live. Love…And live incidentally.”

Have you ever been attracted to your cousin? Don’t lie. A recent NY Times article shared an increasing trend taking place all across our great nation. The marriage of first cousins.

Should you be pondering having kids with your first cousin, the article mentions chances are slim your children will be born with genetic deformities common to incest such as spina bifida and cystic fibrosis. Thank God!  You don’t need to feel so badly about the fact that on Thanksgiving you asked your 28 year old cousin to sit on your lap while watching football at Granny’s house. Breathe a sigh of relief. This behavior is happening everywhere. Let go of the guilt you might have been feeling for adding a little tongue to your cousin’s holiday feast. According to the NY Times, you’re actually not a twisted, repulsive, redneck scumbag.

So many strange things happen during Thanksgiving. When around family, our darkest issues, fears, and doubts tend to erupt.  The tumult of puberty, thought to be extinct, rears its ugly head. Insecurities, thought to be locked away for good, bust loose. Is it so far-fetched in the swirling mess of emotion that is Thanksgiving dinner, one might just find their cousin to be attractive?

*****

Family-driven emotional chaos is not exclusive to Thanksgiving. Each and everyone us has a part of our being snagged in childhood. It’s called infantilism. Best described by Anais Nin, “We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

So if you have lingering frustrations from last week’s familial Thanksgiving encounters, go easy on yourself. Hinder and shame that childish part of you, and it will act like the crankiest baby on the longest night. Embrace and nurture that part of you, and the fire of youth, while at times with a bite, nonetheless will forever burn bright.

For more twisted info with inspirational endings, check out my book Yeah Dave’s Guide to Livin’ the Moment

My conversation with Sally was interrupted when the host of the party’s little dog ran by. Sally kneeled down and picked up the dog.

Let’s just say Sally really loves dogs. I don’t mean “get down, tickle their ears, and scratch their belly” loves dogs. I mean “rub their ears, scratch their belly, tickle their loins, open their mouth, and get your tongue in there” loves dogs.

Not since the first time I saw two kids french kiss on the playground of Coleman School in San Rafael, California during 2nd Grade have I been so dumbfounded by a kiss. I felt like the worst kind of voyeur perv sipping on my red wine while watching Sally and dog swapping spit. After what must have been 95 seconds, she put the dog down and turned to me, “So where can I get a copy of your book?  Wait…before you tell me, come with me out to the living room. I wanna find the lab.”

A few minutes later, I sat across from Sally on the couch with the lab. The dog was lying on its back, strewn across Sally, who honest to God was again french kissing the dog, red rocket and all. I’m embarrassed to say I went and sat on the couch with my red wine and watched. My inner dialogue went something like this, “What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me? I miss Schmutzie. Sookie is mine!”

As the lab scampered off, Sally turned to me and asked, “Do I have anything in my teeth? Chocolate? Bacon? Alpo?”

*****

It goes without saying that some people are extreme dog lovers. They’d rather the tongue of a dog than a human. The truth be told, according to veterinarian Marty Becker, you run more of a risk when french kissing a human than you do when kissing a dog.* Becker says many bacteria in the mouth of a dog are species-specific so they won’t harm a human.

I know you what you must be thinking and I agree. Why bother with the Latin masseuse when it’s safer with a Chihuahua? Why hassle with the frisky spin teacher when you can get a cleaner brand of spunk from the Labradoodle? Next time you see someone french kissing a dog, think twice before you judge them. Love comes in many forms. A furry creature. A horny devil. A hairy Moldovan woman. You just never know.

Right when you think you’ve got life figured out, the bank account filled, the kids gleeful, and the spouse satisfied, you may be Tested. As author Barbara de Angelis said, “Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.” So do yourself a favor.

Choose the dog.

10. Bring a dog that poops and pees all over the house
9. Bring wine coolers
8. Bring a friend that nobody knows yet roots for the other team…and talks too much
7. Say “Anyone wanna split a salad?”
6. Refer to “uniforms” as “outfits”
5. Hang out in “the other room” and talk about my book
4. Say “Does anyone wanna practice taking quarterback snaps at halftime? I’ll be the center!”
3. Eat a frozen banana while watching the game
2. Say “Let’s hold hands on 4th and 10…y’know… for good luck.”
1. Say “I would totally let my wife hook up with Tom Brady, as long as I could hook up with Leonardo Di Caprio.”