Beautiful

Have you ever been attracted to your cousin? Don’t lie. A recent NY Times article shared an increasing trend taking place all across our great nation. The marriage of first cousins.

Should you be pondering having kids with your first cousin, the article mentions chances are slim your children will be born with genetic deformities common to incest such as spina bifida and cystic fibrosis. Thank God!  You don’t need to feel so badly about the fact that on Thanksgiving you asked your 28 year old cousin to sit on your lap while watching football at Granny’s house. Breathe a sigh of relief. This behavior is happening everywhere. Let go of the guilt you might have been feeling for adding a little tongue to your cousin’s holiday feast. According to the NY Times, you’re actually not a twisted, repulsive, redneck scumbag.

So many strange things happen during Thanksgiving. When around family, our darkest issues, fears, and doubts tend to erupt.  The tumult of puberty, thought to be extinct, rears its ugly head. Insecurities, thought to be locked away for good, bust loose. Is it so far-fetched in the swirling mess of emotion that is Thanksgiving dinner, one might just find their cousin to be attractive?

*****

Family-driven emotional chaos is not exclusive to Thanksgiving. Each and everyone us has a part of our being snagged in childhood. It’s called infantilism. Best described by Anais Nin, “We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

So if you have lingering frustrations from last week’s familial Thanksgiving encounters, go easy on yourself. Hinder and shame that childish part of you, and it will act like the crankiest baby on the longest night. Embrace and nurture that part of you, and the fire of youth, while at times with a bite, nonetheless will forever burn bright.

For more twisted info with inspirational endings, check out my book Yeah Dave’s Guide to Livin’ the Moment

My conversation with Sally was interrupted when the host of the party’s little dog ran by. Sally kneeled down and picked up the dog.

Let’s just say Sally really loves dogs. I don’t mean “get down, tickle their ears, and scratch their belly” loves dogs. I mean “rub their ears, scratch their belly, tickle their loins, open their mouth, and get your tongue in there” loves dogs.

Not since the first time I saw two kids french kiss on the playground of Coleman School in San Rafael, California during 2nd Grade have I been so dumbfounded by a kiss. I felt like the worst kind of voyeur perv sipping on my red wine while watching Sally and dog swapping spit. After what must have been 95 seconds, she put the dog down and turned to me, “So where can I get a copy of your book?  Wait…before you tell me, come with me out to the living room. I wanna find the lab.”

A few minutes later, I sat across from Sally on the couch with the lab. The dog was lying on its back, strewn across Sally, who honest to God was again french kissing the dog, red rocket and all. I’m embarrassed to say I went and sat on the couch with my red wine and watched. My inner dialogue went something like this, “What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me? I miss Schmutzie. Sookie is mine!”

As the lab scampered off, Sally turned to me and asked, “Do I have anything in my teeth? Chocolate? Bacon? Alpo?”

*****

It goes without saying that some people are extreme dog lovers. They’d rather the tongue of a dog than a human. The truth be told, according to veterinarian Marty Becker, you run more of a risk when french kissing a human than you do when kissing a dog.* Becker says many bacteria in the mouth of a dog are species-specific so they won’t harm a human.

I know you what you must be thinking and I agree. Why bother with the Latin masseuse when it’s safer with a Chihuahua? Why hassle with the frisky spin teacher when you can get a cleaner brand of spunk from the Labradoodle? Next time you see someone french kissing a dog, think twice before you judge them. Love comes in many forms. A furry creature. A horny devil. A hairy Moldovan woman. You just never know.

Right when you think you’ve got life figured out, the bank account filled, the kids gleeful, and the spouse satisfied, you may be Tested. As author Barbara de Angelis said, “Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.” So do yourself a favor.

Choose the dog.

10. Bring a dog that poops and pees all over the house
9. Bring wine coolers
8. Bring a friend that nobody knows yet roots for the other team…and talks too much
7. Say “Anyone wanna split a salad?”
6. Refer to “uniforms” as “outfits”
5. Hang out in “the other room” and talk about my book
4. Say “Does anyone wanna practice taking quarterback snaps at halftime? I’ll be the center!”
3. Eat a frozen banana while watching the game
2. Say “Let’s hold hands on 4th and 10…y’know… for good luck.”
1. Say “I would totally let my wife hook up with Tom Brady, as long as I could hook up with Leonardo Di Caprio.”

Following on the heels of yesterday’s exciting release of prisoners in North Korea, I wanted to recap an upcoming wetreat. You may have read about this in the past…

For some, danger is a thrill that beats even the biggest buzz. For others, danger causes angst, fear, and an excessive need to pee. Danger is powerful if used effectively. Said Nietzsche, “The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously.”  How does danger affect you?  I’d like to offer you the opportunity to find out. IN the wake of the launch of my book, I’m excited to announce a yoga retreat I’ll be leading in early 2010. Following on the success of Yoga + Chocolate, Yoga + Wine, and Yoga + Snow comes the next chapter in the journey:  YOGA + DANGER. We’ll be headed to none other than the danger capital of the world:  North Korea. Yes! I’ve secured 10 visas thru a Canandian Travel Company to enter the forbidden land also known as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

We will begin on a 4 stop plane ride starting in Los Angeles, connecting in Tokyo, connecting in Seoul, arriving in Pyongyang. If you haven’t yet bonded in the 37 hour plane ride, hold your horses because we’ll just be getting started. Upon arrival, we will check in to the Moonstar Plaza Hotel which has a stunning view of the demilitarized zone. You’ll enjoy evening rations of water while staring out your window at gorgeous moonlit silhouettes of soldiers staring down their barrels. That is just an appetizer of the danger yet to come. We will awaken the following morning for a yoga class in a real live bomb shelter in the hotel basement. After yoga, we will enjoy a morning breakfast of raisins and low-grade Russian vodka.  Soon thereafter, our “handler” will lead us on a tour of downtown Pyongyang where we will have a chance to view monuments to the fallen leader Kim Il Sung.

You might be asking, “Why would I want to spend my vacation in a bomb shelter eating raisens and low-grade Russian Vodka when I can be chilling on Vinnie Marino’s  yoga trip to the beach in Tulum?”

Just wait. My daily yoga classes will feature themes on communism, pain, and heartbreak all of which will blend in perfectly to the stark surroundings.  Other featured events will include an evening of deep stretch yoga set in the foothills overlooking the border to China. As people attempt to escape over the border, we will watch from the cobbler’s pose and root them on using our thoughts and pure Shakti power. Danger will be everywhere and I will teach skills and breathing techniques to stay calm amidst the force of North Korea’s 1.1 million person army.  If you feel something poking your back, that won’t be a private part of your favorite male yoga teacher; it’ll be a North Korean soldier poking the cold barrel of a Russian manufactured AK-47 into your shoulder. But if this still is not danger enough for your thick skin; there’s more!

The climactic moment will be our arranged meeting with current North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. We have been warned to dress in a certain way and greet the leader as “if we were greeting God Himself.”  Get this. My friend dressed up his young son as Kim Jong-Il for this past Halloween(see above photo). I thought it was such a brilliant idea. So everyone on the retreat will also dress up as Kim Jong-Il to greet the leader. It will be a great surprise. And hey, what’s the worst thing that can happen to us?  It’s dangerous and danger is the name the game for our 4 death-defying nights in this dark corner of the world.

If this trip sounds like a bit much for you, I’d at least like you to consider your relationship with danger. Don’t be scared.  As Winston Churchill said, “Danger; if you meet it promptly and without flinching; you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never!”