Funny, Delicious, Beautiful

Last week I mentioned the world’s most eligible bachelor, Juanta de Santos de Carlos de Felipe III of Argentina. I had the opportunity to interview Juanta for my blog. (Please be patient with his broken English).

Q: Juanta, you recently called yourself the world’s most eligible bachelor. If I was a woman, why would I want to be with you?

A:  As we say in Argentina, “Yo soy muy grande en todos partes” which in English means “Come live in my heart, it is a mansion of love.”

Q: Juanta, why are you still a bachelor?

A:  I am looking perfect American woman. I still no find.

Q: And what of your personal fortune?

A: I just earned $113 million settlement from royal family when I was run over by Prince’s gay son at trailer park. I don’t know how to spend. I already give $10 million to poor, $5 million to hospital, $3 million to cure cancer,  what else can I do? I need woman to spend my money.

Q:  Juanta, why were you at a trailer park?

A:

Q: Juanta, What kind of woman are you looking for?

A:  Woman who like yoga. Woman who travel and come to my country Argentina. Woman who like wine.  Woman who like cuddle.

Q: And how young or old would your ideal woman be?

A:  I only 24 years old. I think I like older woman. 50 years old? Yes! 40 years old? Yes! 30 years old? Yes!  18-25 years old? Too young!

Q: Juanta…tell me more of what you’re looking for in a woman?

A: Perfect body to me no es real. I like full figured woman. We have expression in Argentina… “Tocar el sol es poner la lengua in la boca de una persona muy borracha!”  which means “I dream of your body night and day, I love you for who you are!”

Being a lover of yoga, Juanta will be joining us on my upcoming Yoga + Wine retreat to Argentina with wine champion and Bliss Flow Yoga founder Angela Gargano.  If you’re ready for a food & wine lover’s adventure of a lifetime, join us this April 15-22 in Argentina.  Visit here for more info.

And take note, Juanta will be with us for the post Argentina journey to Rio de Janeiro April 22-25.

I’ve received lots of crazy emails but nothing as crazy and vulgar as one I received a week ago. It is a company that makes necklaces of a certain body part. I can only imagine the inventor or artist who hatched the idea. He must have been on a plane, woke from a dream, and quickly sketched down the thought while whispering, “Oh my God Oh my God where’s my pen where’s my pen…this is it!!!!”

What is our world coming to?

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I recently went to a doctor of sorts (more of the witch variety) who gave me some interesting nutrition advice. He said that one takes on the characteristics of what she eats. For that reason, he told me to stay away from birds and fish which are overridden with anxiety. Meanwhile he advised a steady diet of beef to get grounded and manly.  That advice was absolutely contradictory to the advice I got from a nutritionist who said to never eat red meat and that I should stick to a diet of fish and vegetables.

I’m confused! I don’t know what’s good for me, who to listen to, and if I should be a pescatarian, vegan, or burger n’ beer man.  So many people offering so much advice. “Running is good for you.” “Running is terrible for you.” “Hot Yoga is the best.” “Hot yoga is dirty and germ-infested.”  “Yeah Dave’s Guide is freakin hilarious!” “Yeah Dave’s Guide is t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e!”

Now that I think about it, my hat is off to the crazy inventor who went with his gut (if not his loins) and followed through with the vulva necklace. We could all benefit, at least sometimes, from tuning out the conflicting advice of those around us and listening more carefully to the voice within us. And if that voice be just a tiny bit corrupt, well….Emerson said it perfectly:

“But if I am the Devil’s child, I will live then from the Devil. No law   can be sacred to me but that of my nature. Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it.”

The behavior of yoga students is often a reflection on their teacher. For instance, the students of Aaron “the Rabbi” King love a little post-class coffee talk and “kibbutzing” if not a nice touch. The students of anti-gravity yoga teachers Brock and Krista Cahill will bust into a handstand in the middle of nowhere. Thus, the Cahills’ energetically uplifting presence. Power Yoga teacher Vinnie Marino’s students have been known to scream at people, especially those who open the window during class. Thus, Vinnie’s brand of “free love… with a cost.”

Someone once said to me, “Yeah Dave, what kind of behavior do you inspire in your students?” Hmm, I thought. And a few months ago, while hanging out with a bunch of random students who had just taken my class, I observed them closely. One student said, “Hey Dave, check this out,” before showing me a random 1 inch long mustache hair on an otherwise smooth upper lip.  “It’s kinda like a dreadlock but different.”

I answered, “Cool Schmata. And it matches your silver Lululemon spaghetti strapped tank.”

Another student said, “Yo Dave, what would you do if someone showed up to your class with three boobs and the one in the middle was exposed with a tattoo of Sammy Davis Jr singing into the nipple-shaped microphone?”

After thinking for a moment, I replied, “Cool Ronald. Kinda like a scrodum tattoo…but different.”

And another student said, “Dave, thanks to your yoga I can now suck my own…” and just as I was about to cover my eyes, he put his toe in his mouth.

I responded, “Cool Reavis. Are you still taking your Lithium?”

I know what you must be thinking and I agree. How freakin’ cool, fresh, and free-thinking are my students? Who needs to talk about the Bhagavad Gita when instead you could talk titty-tattoos? Why bother with the sutras when you could sit around and show off weird body hairs? Free the mind people! Yoga in a modern light! This is why it continues to astound me that the Yoga Journal won’t invite me to its conferences.

*****

I’ve been reading the book Crow Planet: Essential Wisdom from the Urban Wilderness which focuses largely on the intelligence of crows. Crows have their own games, language, relationships, and loyalties. For instance, the author mentions how crows recognize faces and if you take aggressive action against one crow, you will get dive-bombed and harassed by your neighborhood crows for days to come. As crows live in every habitat, you don’t have to travel to the far reaches of the earth to immerse yourself in the wonders of nature. Just look outside your window.

In much the same way, you don’t have to read an intense spiritual book or take peyote to open your mind.  And that is why I’d like to dedicate this Schtick to the stoners, freaks, and weirdos of the world.  Hail to the Schmata’s, Ronald’s, and Reavis’s in your life. They might not teach you anything; but their strange questions and stony visions can pry open your mind’s most stubborn constructs.  God knows…if you’re not crafty enough to open the dusty old storage shed, you’ll never access the treasures, memories, and insights locked within.

A newlywed couple, arm in arm, was strolling into Whole Foods for their Sunday shopping. A solicitor stood in the couple’s way.  The solicitor said boldly, “Please sign my petition for the plight of the dolphins. They need protection and they need it now!”

The couple ignored the solicitor. Not a good idea. The solicitor suddenly erupted and screamed at the man in front of his wife, “Why are you ignoring me dude?! We all know what you’re gonna do with that organic cucumber and $29 Whole Foods vaseline you’re about to buy. You pig!”

Wow, I thought. What a terrible man. But that wasn’t it. To each person who ignored his solicitations, he ranted louder. He screamed at a poor old lady “Graybush!” And at the Kirtan singer, “Your voice is so bad it’d be better if you farted in the microphone!” And to the diminutive neighborhood acupuncturist known for being well-hung, “Mister Tiny Big Unit, Mister Tiny Big Unit!”

If you live in Venice or Santa Monica, California, you’ve probably experienced one of these aggressive solicitors. I’ve come to realize these solicitors are not just on the corners of Lincoln and Rose Ave but also at the intersection of the mind and body.

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In Spontaneous Healing, Dr. Andrew Weil discusses the healing power that occurs upon calibrating the mind-body connection. He describes a well-documented miracle that took place in 1962. Vittorio Micheli had advanced bone cancer and almost complete destruction of his left pelvis. It got so bad that his femur disconnected with his pelvis. As a last resort, Micheli soaked in the famous healing waters of Lourdes in France. In the coming days and weeks, his cancer disappeared, and the bone of his pelvis began to regenerate, something the medical community views as an impossibility.

The idea being that Micheli experienced a sudden, sustained, and positive mental shift. When the mind is healthy, the body thrives. But when the mind hurls negative thoughts, they affect the organs, joints, muscles, and bones in the same way that the angry solicitor’s words affected the kirtan player, old lady, newlyweds, and diminutive neighborhood acupuncturist known for being well-hung.

Thomas Hardy said it perfectly, “Why should a man’s mind have been thrown into such close, sad, sensational, inexplicable relations with such a precarious object as his body.