Funny, Delicious, Beautiful

It’s not easy being a newborn baby and trying to communicate. A baby cries, smiles, lunges, lurches, bangs, and shrieks hoping to get across a message and receive a response from Mommy or Daddy. In the same way, an adult burns sage, sings hymns, prays, invokes and shouts…trying to communicate with the Divine.

Some of us are like difficult babies, whining and whimpering in our pursuit of revelation.  And some of us are easier, finding Perfection in a warm blanket on a rainy Sunday, or a delicious plate of amatriciana when you’re mouthwatering hungry.

So here’s my question. What kind of baby are YOU?

–Happy-Go-Lucky Baby: you take life as it comes, usually smiling, happy for the warm day, the new face, the hot bath, the simple pleasures. Some common problems and how you respond: Your flight is canceled and you need to spend the night in O’Hare? You’ll just get work done. The Viagara doesn’t seem to be working anymore? Being the sweety that you are, you’ll keep things alive and well by giving the gift of Janeson Rayne’s innovative Magic Banana.

–Dirty Baby: you are ahead of the curve, walking at 6 months, talking at 9 months, mustache at 5 years old, hitting on 2nd grade teacher at 8 years old, virginity out the window at 12 years old. Your flight is canceled and you need to spend the night in O’Hare? Nothing phases you so long as you got a few blankets and the imagination. The Vigara doesn’t seem to be working anymore? Heck, who needs Viagara when you got a Marlboro 110, a slice of raw bacon covered in Tabasco, and a couple spritzes of One Man Show.

–Colic Baby: you have, shall we say, digestive issues and what some might call The Dirty Elves (see above pic) working overtime in your lowers. Your flight is canceled and you need to spend the night in O’Hare?  You clear out the waiting area with a Starbucks Squealer. The Viagra doesn’t seem to be working anymore? Doesn’t matter. Nobody wants to date you anyway as every time you go on a date, you subject the other to the Pomodoro Punchout or the Chardonnay Cooker or worst of all, The Dried Apricot Annihilation.

*****

Thinking back on the last few years, I realized my faith was virtually nonexistent. I worked, traveled, networked…but rarely prayed. I was like the guy at the gym with the giant upper body and tiny chicken legs…way out of balance. Without some way of letting go and establishing belief in something (anything) greater than one’s own self, our annoying vibration is no different and no less disgusting than a Burrito Butt Belch.

Might it be possible that one’s style and scent of Communication have the power to expedite a Response?  George Bernard Shaw said, “Most people do not pray, they only beg.” And while on occasion you might acknowledge the outstretched hand of a beggar, you’d much more likely be lured to the sweet sage and song on the other side of the block.

I once heard Shiva tell a story of a very senior teacher farting while lying on top of her during an adjustment… which must have been the most awkward thing ever. So I hesitate to lie on students. But I’d like to share something even more awkward.

Being my first week back teaching in Arizona, I’ve really tried to be hands on with my yoga students. Last week, I gave one student a nice adjustment in shoulder stand.

“How does that feel?” I asked as I lifted her ankles thus lengthening her spine.

She didn’t answer. I tried to be nurturing and said, “Feels good when it lengthens,  doesn’t it?”

She still didn’t answer and I assumed she was loving it.

Finishing the adjustment, I said to her in a fun and self-deprecating manner, “Some people just call me Rod.” Then, I rested her legs softly back on the ground.  It was an inside yoga thing, with my jokingly referring to myself as blind yoga master Rod Sorenstein of Northern Minnesota who supposedly has a magical (non-sexual) touch with his adjustments, except when he accidentally touches you in the wrong place. “Ah Rod, that’s not my hip…” Rumor has it crazy ol’ Rod really can see. But that’s for another Schtick.

Little did I know that calling myself “Rod” was a double entendre. Not until 20 minutes after class, as I was driving away from the studio, did I realize that my Flip video camera was in my front pocket rubbing against the lady’s thighs during that shoulder stand adjustment. It was too late. Rumor had it she ran out of the studio, leaving her mat behind, and muttering something about “Jewish men and their facocta tiny schmekels!!”

*****

The other day I heard Deepak Chopra on NPR. He was buzzing about his new iPhone App, and he made a very interesting comment. “Technology is part of our world and we have to embrace it.” I was sort of expecting a spiritual guru like Deepak (who I admire) to encourage less use of technology and question the overwhelming popularity of the smart phone.   Which furthered my confusion.

In 2010, you can rest assured, there will be a faster, smaller iPhone that can do anything anytime… and a sweeter Tweeter that can be updated subconsciously while you sleep…and a Google technology that will utilize a futuristic algorithm to search out your perfect lover. All of these things will enhance our lives in so many ways. But rest assured, someone will think twice about sitting in your lap if your crotch keeps making “chirping” sounds. And someone might just hesitate to give you a juicy yoga hug if that tiny protruding object in your jeans is ever the source of their confusion. Is that sacrifice really worth it? Because God knows there is no application, program, or gadget that can replace the warmth of embrace, the ahhhh of love, the inspiration of Contact.

Have you ever been attracted to your cousin? Don’t lie. A recent NY Times article shared an increasing trend taking place all across our great nation. The marriage of first cousins.

Should you be pondering having kids with your first cousin, the article mentions chances are slim your children will be born with genetic deformities common to incest such as spina bifida and cystic fibrosis. Thank God!  You don’t need to feel so badly about the fact that on Thanksgiving you asked your 28 year old cousin to sit on your lap while watching football at Granny’s house. Breathe a sigh of relief. This behavior is happening everywhere. Let go of the guilt you might have been feeling for adding a little tongue to your cousin’s holiday feast. According to the NY Times, you’re actually not a twisted, repulsive, redneck scumbag.

So many strange things happen during Thanksgiving. When around family, our darkest issues, fears, and doubts tend to erupt.  The tumult of puberty, thought to be extinct, rears its ugly head. Insecurities, thought to be locked away for good, bust loose. Is it so far-fetched in the swirling mess of emotion that is Thanksgiving dinner, one might just find their cousin to be attractive?

*****

Family-driven emotional chaos is not exclusive to Thanksgiving. Each and everyone us has a part of our being snagged in childhood. It’s called infantilism. Best described by Anais Nin, “We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

So if you have lingering frustrations from last week’s familial Thanksgiving encounters, go easy on yourself. Hinder and shame that childish part of you, and it will act like the crankiest baby on the longest night. Embrace and nurture that part of you, and the fire of youth, while at times with a bite, nonetheless will forever burn bright.

For more twisted info with inspirational endings, check out my book Yeah Dave’s Guide to Livin’ the Moment

Last week I mentioned the world’s most eligible bachelor, Juanta de Santos de Carlos de Felipe III of Argentina. I had the opportunity to interview Juanta for my blog. (Please be patient with his broken English).

Q: Juanta, you recently called yourself the world’s most eligible bachelor. If I was a woman, why would I want to be with you?

A:  As we say in Argentina, “Yo soy muy grande en todos partes” which in English means “Come live in my heart, it is a mansion of love.”

Q: Juanta, why are you still a bachelor?

A:  I am looking perfect American woman. I still no find.

Q: And what of your personal fortune?

A: I just earned $113 million settlement from royal family when I was run over by Prince’s gay son at trailer park. I don’t know how to spend. I already give $10 million to poor, $5 million to hospital, $3 million to cure cancer,  what else can I do? I need woman to spend my money.

Q:  Juanta, why were you at a trailer park?

A:

Q: Juanta, What kind of woman are you looking for?

A:  Woman who like yoga. Woman who travel and come to my country Argentina. Woman who like wine.  Woman who like cuddle.

Q: And how young or old would your ideal woman be?

A:  I only 24 years old. I think I like older woman. 50 years old? Yes! 40 years old? Yes! 30 years old? Yes!  18-25 years old? Too young!

Q: Juanta…tell me more of what you’re looking for in a woman?

A: Perfect body to me no es real. I like full figured woman. We have expression in Argentina… “Tocar el sol es poner la lengua in la boca de una persona muy borracha!”  which means “I dream of your body night and day, I love you for who you are!”

Being a lover of yoga, Juanta will be joining us on my upcoming Yoga + Wine retreat to Argentina with wine champion and Bliss Flow Yoga founder Angela Gargano.  If you’re ready for a food & wine lover’s adventure of a lifetime, join us this April 15-22 in Argentina.  Visit here for more info.

And take note, Juanta will be with us for the post Argentina journey to Rio de Janeiro April 22-25.