The Schtick Newsletter

I once heard Shiva tell a story of a very senior teacher farting while lying on top of her during an adjustment… which must have been the most awkward thing ever. So I hesitate to lie on students. But I’d like to share something even more awkward.

Being my first week back teaching in Arizona, I’ve really tried to be hands on with my yoga students. Last week, I gave one student a nice adjustment in shoulder stand.

“How does that feel?” I asked as I lifted her ankles thus lengthening her spine.

She didn’t answer. I tried to be nurturing and said, “Feels good when it lengthens,  doesn’t it?”

She still didn’t answer and I assumed she was loving it.

Finishing the adjustment, I said to her in a fun and self-deprecating manner, “Some people just call me Rod.” Then, I rested her legs softly back on the ground.  It was an inside yoga thing, with my jokingly referring to myself as blind yoga master Rod Sorenstein of Northern Minnesota who supposedly has a magical (non-sexual) touch with his adjustments, except when he accidentally touches you in the wrong place. “Ah Rod, that’s not my hip…” Rumor has it crazy ol’ Rod really can see. But that’s for another Schtick.

Little did I know that calling myself “Rod” was a double entendre. Not until 20 minutes after class, as I was driving away from the studio, did I realize that my Flip video camera was in my front pocket rubbing against the lady’s thighs during that shoulder stand adjustment. It was too late. Rumor had it she ran out of the studio, leaving her mat behind, and muttering something about “Jewish men and their facocta tiny schmekels!!”

*****

The other day I heard Deepak Chopra on NPR. He was buzzing about his new iPhone App, and he made a very interesting comment. “Technology is part of our world and we have to embrace it.” I was sort of expecting a spiritual guru like Deepak (who I admire) to encourage less use of technology and question the overwhelming popularity of the smart phone.   Which furthered my confusion.

In 2010, you can rest assured, there will be a faster, smaller iPhone that can do anything anytime… and a sweeter Tweeter that can be updated subconsciously while you sleep…and a Google technology that will utilize a futuristic algorithm to search out your perfect lover. All of these things will enhance our lives in so many ways. But rest assured, someone will think twice about sitting in your lap if your crotch keeps making “chirping” sounds. And someone might just hesitate to give you a juicy yoga hug if that tiny protruding object in your jeans is ever the source of their confusion. Is that sacrifice really worth it? Because God knows there is no application, program, or gadget that can replace the warmth of embrace, the ahhhh of love, the inspiration of Contact.

Have you ever been attracted to your cousin? Don’t lie. A recent NY Times article shared an increasing trend taking place all across our great nation. The marriage of first cousins.

Should you be pondering having kids with your first cousin, the article mentions chances are slim your children will be born with genetic deformities common to incest such as spina bifida and cystic fibrosis. Thank God!  You don’t need to feel so badly about the fact that on Thanksgiving you asked your 28 year old cousin to sit on your lap while watching football at Granny’s house. Breathe a sigh of relief. This behavior is happening everywhere. Let go of the guilt you might have been feeling for adding a little tongue to your cousin’s holiday feast. According to the NY Times, you’re actually not a twisted, repulsive, redneck scumbag.

So many strange things happen during Thanksgiving. When around family, our darkest issues, fears, and doubts tend to erupt.  The tumult of puberty, thought to be extinct, rears its ugly head. Insecurities, thought to be locked away for good, bust loose. Is it so far-fetched in the swirling mess of emotion that is Thanksgiving dinner, one might just find their cousin to be attractive?

*****

Family-driven emotional chaos is not exclusive to Thanksgiving. Each and everyone us has a part of our being snagged in childhood. It’s called infantilism. Best described by Anais Nin, “We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

So if you have lingering frustrations from last week’s familial Thanksgiving encounters, go easy on yourself. Hinder and shame that childish part of you, and it will act like the crankiest baby on the longest night. Embrace and nurture that part of you, and the fire of youth, while at times with a bite, nonetheless will forever burn bright.

For more twisted info with inspirational endings, check out my book Yeah Dave’s Guide to Livin’ the Moment

I’ve received lots of crazy emails but nothing as crazy and vulgar as one I received a week ago. It is a company that makes necklaces of a certain body part. I can only imagine the inventor or artist who hatched the idea. He must have been on a plane, woke from a dream, and quickly sketched down the thought while whispering, “Oh my God Oh my God where’s my pen where’s my pen…this is it!!!!”

What is our world coming to?

*****

I recently went to a doctor of sorts (more of the witch variety) who gave me some interesting nutrition advice. He said that one takes on the characteristics of what she eats. For that reason, he told me to stay away from birds and fish which are overridden with anxiety. Meanwhile he advised a steady diet of beef to get grounded and manly.  That advice was absolutely contradictory to the advice I got from a nutritionist who said to never eat red meat and that I should stick to a diet of fish and vegetables.

I’m confused! I don’t know what’s good for me, who to listen to, and if I should be a pescatarian, vegan, or burger n’ beer man.  So many people offering so much advice. “Running is good for you.” “Running is terrible for you.” “Hot Yoga is the best.” “Hot yoga is dirty and germ-infested.”  “Yeah Dave’s Guide is freakin hilarious!” “Yeah Dave’s Guide is t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e!”

Now that I think about it, my hat is off to the crazy inventor who went with his gut (if not his loins) and followed through with the vulva necklace. We could all benefit, at least sometimes, from tuning out the conflicting advice of those around us and listening more carefully to the voice within us. And if that voice be just a tiny bit corrupt, well….Emerson said it perfectly:

“But if I am the Devil’s child, I will live then from the Devil. No law   can be sacred to me but that of my nature. Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it.”

As we head for the home stretch in 2009, I think many would agree on an enduring lesson. Those in authority, whether Wall Street executives, bankers, or trendsetters, need to be challenged.

In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell breaks it down by socioeconomic factors and shares research on how wealthy children feel comfortable challenging teachers in school while less privileged children are more likely to accept what they’re told.  Later in life, this inclination to question authority leads to better negotiating and decision-making skills. Just another reason why the rich get richer.

So if your bank account is feeling the grind in 2009, will you be quiet and reserved as Gladwell suggests? Or will you speak up and challenge the authorities, trendsetters, and pacemakers? As a yogi, I’d like to personally challenge the single most impactful voice in my industry: the Yoga Journal.

Here’s my letter to the editor:

“Having spoken with many yoga teachers of my generation who pack their classes and are committed to spreading the joy of yoga, we’d love the opportunity to share at your Yoga Journal Conferences. Beyond the Shiva Rea’s and Seane Corn’s, there’s a whole new generation of yoga teachers out there. This generation is less interested in physical alignment and more interested in alignment with the challenges of the day; less intent on a diet of seeds and water and more intent on a post-yoga bite of chocolate and sip of wine;  less focused on speaking perfect Sanskrit and more focused on speaking the language used in New York, Santa Monica, Duluth, and Detroit. Someone recently shared an awesome quote that I think applies to your readers: ‘People don’t care how much you know. They wanna know how much you care.’ ”

Namaste,

David Romanelli