Being a frequent traveler, I’ve grown accustomed to the airlines’ industrious transition. They charge you for baggage, charge you for drinks, charge you for food, charge you for an exit row seat. Flying to Dallas a few months ago, I had a revelation. After paying the stewardess $13.00 for a bologna sandwich on Wonder Bread, I thought to myself, “Only while flying through the air 500 mph in a hollow tube would I be willing to pay for bologna on white. Hmmm, maybe my yoga students could benefit from a similar program.”
So starting next month, I am instituting the Yeah Dave In-Class Services (TM) program. It’s my way of providing you, my students, with a more luxurious yoga experience. I will offer you the opportunity to pay for all the extras we know and love. Yes they were free in the past but as Thoreau said, “There are no fixtures in nature. The universe is fluid and volatile.” Change is the name of the game.
Following is a preview of your Yeah Dave In-Class Services TM Menu.
In-class acknowledgement (TM): $.75
Block service (delivered to your mat): $2.50
Down Dog push: $5.00
Forward Fold shoulder rub: $6.50
Savasana Blanket Service (delivered to your mat): $8.95
Savasana Foot Rub: $12.00
Savasana Head Massage: $14.00
Happy Baby spread: $18.00
In-class acknowledgement (TM) by your name: $19.75 (names are tough)
Mulabandha Plug: $29.95
Savasana Mystery Package: $95.00
Here’s how it works. Upon launch of the Yeah Dave In-Class Services TM program on August 1, 2009, I will take orders in the 10 minutes preceding class. Before you even have a chance to ask, let me answer what I’m sure is the #1 question. “YES!” you will be able to access the Yeah Dave In-Class Services TM program online for pre-orders and receive discounts as much as 2% off regular price. And by signing up for Yeah Dave In-Class Services’ (TM) Furry Fridays(TM) , I’ll update you with special sales on head massages, foot rubs, and occasional in-class acknowledgments (TM)** free of charge.
I tested the program in a recent class and was understandably met with some resistance. The lady in the above photo said, “F-ck this. I’ll just take Shiva’s class. or Seane Corn’s class. or Saul David Raye’s class. They’re famous and they don’t charge for extras.” Let’s just say she didn’t receive too much attention that class.
Another person said, “Yes, I’ll take the Savasana Mystery package, the mulabandha plug, block service, and is licking on the menu you sunuvabitch?! You should be fired. If John Friend only knew about this!” The answer is no. No licking.
Another person was a bit more pleasant and said, “Oh wonderful, this is long overdue. I think I’ll go with 3 down dog pushes, blanket service, and the Mystery package. And do you accept credit cards?” The answer is yes, Discover and JCB.
*****
After reading the above, I know what you must be thinking and I agree: with so many choices, how can one possibly decide?
Recent research on happiness proves that too many choices lead to unhappiness and anxiety. We’ve all taken that yoga class where the teacher says the dreaded words: “Everybody grab a partner!” Is it me or does that give you anxiety? A stranger (let alone a man in tights) touching you? And then you have to figure out what the heck you’re supposed to be doin’ with this stranger as the godforsaken teacher walks around the room surveying their disaster-in-progress? Too much to think about it.
Life is easier (and the science shows) people are happier with less choices. As Da Vinci said, “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” I love how Wayne Dyer gave away all of his possessions. Keep it simple! I was deeply inspired by Trey Anastasio of Phish burning his entire CD collection. How liberating!
If you think there’s room for greater happiness in your life, consider the simpler approach. Give stuff away, dare to let go, take a step toward a more primitive lifestyle. Which is the perfect segue to the debut of my very first Yeah Dave Apres-Class Service:
My Primitive Lifestyle Retreat at the Luxurious Mii Amo Spa taking place December 3-6 $2100
**Yeah Dave Furry Fridays’ occasional free in-class acknowledgements ™ do not include your name for which there is a $1.00 surcharge
This is great. Very clever.
It’s funny – I got rid of a lot of “stuff” yesterday. It happened after i went to the Nordstroms where they’re having a huge sale. I saw women fighting over handbags – and thought what in the heck am I doing here? I left and came home and went on a let’s take that to Goodwill rampage! This morning I feel great – I’d feel better if I could go to your class this morning but reading this is close. I do think that long term students should get a loyalty discount
and I would pay extra to hear the David Laugh, the David message but i sure would miss the down dog push and svasana head rub!
yeah Dave,
i like your Mulabandha plug suggestion
what an idea!
How much for the Yeah Dave laugh? Or what if we want to requests a song?
I love the last 2 lines re: acknowlegement do not include your name.. $1.00 surcharge. It gives me asmall chuckle.
I secretly wish my favorite yoga teacher, (of which I’ve been faithfully going to his classes for over 5 years; even when he only had 2 other students in his 6:30 AM classes, at one point) would say my name one time!. He knows it, for we talk about things many times after class etc. He’ll says other people names out loud, (who are new to class) however he’ll speak to me as “you move over… etc. ”
** sigh, oh well..**