Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

Once, or wait, maybe it was twice, I suffered through a dysfunctional relationship.

I recall one such relationship with a woman full of self-hating qualities, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and a strange habit of locking herself in a closet with her yoga mat,  a toy called a Slim Pink Pleaser, and a portable Sanyo Ductless Gas Heater.

She’d crank the heat and practice a strange hybrid of hot Bikram yoga and Pilates that she referred to as Pilatekum.

“Why do you call it Pilatekum?” I’d ask.

“No more questions Yeah Dave.”

I didn’t like the fact that she, being my girlfriend, called me Yeah Dave.

After she was done with her workout, she’d cook me dinner. Her intentions were wonderful but I’d have been better off squirting Tabasco in my urethra than critiquing her cooking.

“How do you like this risotto dish?” she’d ask

“Oh it’s…” I’d try to reply

“…It took me 7 hours to create so I hope you like it.”

“Well, what I love is the…” I’d try to say.

And then the bottom would fall out….

“I’m a terrible cook, I hate myself, I’m gonna throw up!” she’d scream running to the bathroom.

“No please don’t throw up again, please!” I’d beg

She needed help, and I was playing the savior role until it all came to an end when she accused me of killing her goldfish Mary.

“You actually think I came to your house, reached in to the fish bowl, and killed Mary? As if I have nothing better to do?” I asked, exasperated.

“My fish’s name is not Mary… and she’s dead…fucking Yeah Dave, you killed her!”

“Sorry that you think I killed Mary Lou but this is ridiculous.”

She corrected me again, “My fish’s name was not Mary, it was not Mary Lou, it was Mary Lou Retton and you killed her. Which leaves me with Huang Fu and that’s all I got cause we’re finished!”

Huang Fu (Chinese for ‘glorious victory’) was the name for her vibrator.

That was the last chapter in a series of dysfunctional relationships that I know so many of you can relate to.

*****

Last night I had a late night in NYC with an old friend, Marc Heyneker,  one of the first to coin my nickname Yeah Dave, which came from asking so many questions that my friends stopped trying to answer and would just say “Yeah…Dave.”

Heyneker is a true entrepreneur and co-founder of a company called Revinate. Heyneker is CRUSHING IT!

And while riding together in a taxi, I asked him a question.

His response, “Yeah Dave,  less questions, more answers!”

That’s all it took.

I’m turning a page in my life, just as I did when walking out on the Bulimic Chef after she opted for a relationship with her vibrator.

Less questions. More answers.

Less insecurity. More self-esteem.

Less worry. More faith.

Maybe you can relate…

…we reach moments in our lives where it’s very clearly time to graduate

…moments where we  realize we have the knowledge we need to take the test, turn the page, evolve…

…moments where we finally are able to perceive weaknesses, failures, and dark nights as prerequisite incisions in an unveiling of the soul.

Pema Chodron said it so perfectly:  ”Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.”