“Nations grown corrupt
It was just about one year ago that I wrapped up my evening yoga class in Santa Monica when this dude Mike says to me, “Yo Dave, join us for some pizza or I’ll kick your ass.”
“Ok, Mike, guess I don’t have a choice.”
Mike was a fairly cool guy who would often host Sunday afternoon football watching. Many-a-beers and many-a-great times had I enjoyed at Mike’s. But if I didn’t abide by Mike’s rules, he’d call me any of the following names: sissy, wimp, wussy, or flower child.
So I joined Mike and his girlfriend Cassie for pizza. And I must admit, while Mike was a hairy-necked disaster of a man, Cassie was absolutely gorgeous. Like many of our friends, I would openly admit to Mike that I had a crush on his girlfriend.
So as I took my first bite of pizza, Mike said to me, “Listen Dave, Cassie and I want to invite you to come home with us tonight.”
“Thanks dude, but I can’t tonight, I gotta do laundry.”
I winced expecting Mike to call me one of his names when Cassie said, “No Dave, we want you to come home with us” and she winked at me.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw Cassie’s flirtatious expression. But I thought nothing of it.
“Thanks Cass but I really can’t tonight.”
Mike continued, “Dave I’ve got the hot tub all fired up, cold brews in the fridge, I know you’re gonna tell me you don’t have your surf trunks, not to worry, you don’t need any.”
This guy Mike (unkempt pig with hairy neck) was super macho and all of the sudden he was inviting me over for a naked hot tub? The pizza started coming up the wrong way when I saw Cassie lick her lips and wink at me again. Oooo that was nice to see.
I looked back at Mike and he looked at me invitingly, pizza sauce running down his face. Yuck. I looked back at Cassie and she whispered “come over.” Niiiiiice. I looked back at Mike. Gross. I looked back at Cassie. Beautiful.
If it’s not yet clear to you, they were inviting me for a threesome. Truthfully, the last thing I cared to do on a lazy evening by the sea was have a naked hot tub with stinky Mike who I once saw puke and proceed to eat more chicken wings 3 minutes later. God save me. I passed on the invitation.
We finished a very awkward dinner and the next day Mike called me, “Dave listen, I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t say anything to the fellas next time we’re posted up on Sunday afternoon watching football.”
“Sure thing Mike, no worries. I won’t say that you invited me to join you for a naked hot tub. But never again will you call me a wimp, wussy, or a flower child. Never. Is that clear Mike?”
Some might call it extortion but I call it a step toward healthy living. Now when I head over to hang with the fellas, I’ll bring healthy soups, salads, and smoothies instead of chicken wings, burgers, and Budweiser. Our other friends expect Mike to taunt me for daring to come with such healthy selections. But instead, Mike says in front of the fellas, “Dave, I love what you’re doing here with these fresh and nutritious foods. Seriously fellas, we should thank him for helping us feel better about ourselves.”
On a recent football Sunday, our friend Houdain complained, “But Mike, this healthy food sucks!”
“Who wants a stupid salad and smoothie while watching football?!” our friend Ronny screamed.
Mike instantly responded, “Houdain and Ronny, shut the hell up unless you want me to kick your ass right friggen now!”
And they sunk into their seats.
Mike winked at me. I couldn’t be sure if the wink meant “let’s hit the tub” or “I’ve got your back.” Either way, doesn’t bother me. I believe Mike’s diverse sexual preferences stem from the roots of his soul and he should enjoy absolute freedom to live just the life he desires. But when hiding behind the false pretenses of machismo at the taunt-ridden expense of others, Mike casts a long shadow. That shadow just got darker and wider when voters in my home state of California voted YES on Prop 8 thus banning gay marriage.
No disrespect to those who made gay marriage an illegal action. But there’s one thing more harmful to society than breaking the law. Breaking the soul.
You Wanna Do What With Me?!
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